So What If I Can’t?

I ran into an old coworker who works at Ville’s old school today. She asked where the baby was and I held it together pretty well as I explained that we had lost him. It kind of got awkward, which I expect anymore. most people don’t know what to say. Thank God all she said was, "I’m so sorry." Ville’s been acting out more and more. I’m at my wit’s end and have no idea what to do. He back talks to me and refuses to answer me at times. I take away his stuff and he whines nonstop. I put him in timeout and he acts like I’m putting him through corporal punishment. I pop him for the backtalk and he smirks, telling me that it doesn’t hurt. I’d just like to spend some time with my child before he goes back to school, but he’s so aggrivating  to deal with at times. We’ve never had any behavior issues with him, so I’m absolutely positive that this acting out is due to everything that’s going on. It probably doesn’t help that there are times when he’s behaving and trying to talk to me, but I’m just so lost in my on grief that I’m not truly paying attention to him. I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to find a counselor, but they’re either not accepting people or they’re quite a distance away. The support group by my house is meeting tonight, but I’m terrified of going alone. I’m also worried because Ville gets bored easily and that tends to trigger him acting out. I’m not sure why, but he felt the need to tell the cashier at Walmart that his brother died. My heart stopped. The cashier froze, until I looked down at Ville and told him that he didn’t need to let everyone know. She smiled sympathetically and told us she was sorry. Then, wen we were leaving she told Ville she hopes he feels better soon and Ville told her that he’s still sad. My heart broke into a million pieces. I did explain to him that we don’t tell everyone, simply because they feel bad because they don’t know what to say. I guess he just wants what I want, to remind the world that Liam was here. I absolutely love it when people call him by his name! It hurts so badly when I hear or see his name, but there’s also this sense of pure joy that other people remember him, not just the fact that I was pregnant. These last few days have been especially hard on me. I just miss him more than I can ever express to anyone. I lost t while watching Youtube videos today. I clicked on one called, "Hug Him Once For Me," the song is so beautiful and reminded me of my daily prayer for God to tell Liam how much we love him and miss him. Darryl asked me last night when I was giving away the baby food. I plan on giving it to a center for teen moms, but every time I walk up to the counter its on I lose my nerve to pack it up. I have a little time, since its good until next year, but its so pointless for it to sit there when there are babies who can use it. Its just so hard. Every time I try to pack it up, I’m reminded of the nonexistant memories, the plans I’d had for when he started eating solids. These visuals play through my mind, and I just can’t do it. Plus, packing it up is like I’m admitting that I’m not bringing home a baby anytime soon. I’ll have to make myself realize that at some point, but I can’t right now. Is that so wrong? I’m slowly coming to terms with certain facts, but that is not one that I can come to terms with yet. So long as I still have these things, I can imagine that I’ll be bringing a baby home. I imagine a lot, mostly about how things should be. I see the pack n play and I imagine I have a 3 week old in the bassinet, kicking his little legs. I see his swing and I imagine him in it, watching me as I make dinner, just like I’d envisioned. At night, I sleep with his bear and I wake up cradling it like I would a baby. In those hazy moments, where I’m not quite aware, it doesn’t hurt as much. My arms are momentarily filled and don’t ache, though it’s only a fleeting moment until it all comes crashing back down. I feel like I’m slowly losing my mind. Is it normal to be afraid of letting go of baby food? I guess nothing is truly normal, but how do I know if I’ve really gone off the deep end? I need help. I need my son. Is it so much to ask for him to be here with me? Was he really such a huge thing for me to wish for? Is it too much for me to so desperately want more than one child? I just want one thing, and of course I can’t have what I want. Why should that surprise me anymore? I’ve lost almost everything in my life, though I never thought I’d lose my child. I wouldn’t wish this fate on my worst enemy. Nobody, no matter how shitty a person they may be, should ever know this pain. My arms ache so badly for the baby I’ll never have. I want my little boy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Rhonda Ford
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