Rough Day

Tuesday was my first day back at work. It was… ok. I worked with my good friend, who I’ve known for several years. She already knew that I might be iffy, but until today I was ok at. work. I was upset that my coworkers told my regulars not to mention Liam. Actually, what upset me was the fact that they told them to "pretend nothing happened." That alone is harder than the "Have you had that baby yet?" "How’s the baby?" and "I heard about what happened, I’m so sorry." he last one is what I needed to hear the most, and thankfully my most favorite customers said it. I got one, "It happened for a reason." and I just smiled and walked away. I got a few, "You’ll see him again one day." Two of them had asked about the baby, not knowing, and shared there stories with me after I told them. It felt good that they both remembered their children after so long. One was an older lady, I’ve known for years. She lost her son at 5 months. The other was a regular guy who’s wife had stillborn twins 37 years ago! If I’d been able to I’d have hugged them both. I did cry for both of their losses as well as my own. Another regular, who lost her 18 month old due to a heart defect, hugged me and just listened while I told her what had happened. It hurts, a lot sometimes, but I do love talking about him. I’m able to smile when I remember him, even if I am crying while I’m smiling. He was a miracle. The people who I did talk to were surprised that I had shown no symptoms and that he had kicked all the way up until his birth. He was a little fighter. <3 I miss him. I don’t know why it hit me so hard today. I went to the bathroom at work and while I was in there I just suddenly burst into tears. It was so surreal, the memories were so vivid. I could feel his weight in my arms. I could feel the coolness of his skin. I could almost smell him. It came out of nowhere, no warning, just sudden sensations and tears because I can’t hold him. It reminds me of how I felt when they handed him to me at the hospital. While part of me was willing him to move and praying for a miracle, he "logical" side of me (By logical, I mean the part that knew it was already too late.) thought about taking him and running from the hospital. In my mind, I wondered if they would try to stop me, if they would be required to, or if they would have to let me go. I just wanted to hold my son forever. Luckily I was sane enough to realize that even if I did get away, I would soon be in for a reality check. Some days my arms just ache so badly that I wish with all my might that I could hold him, even for a moment. I’ve been a mess ever since, fighting to keep from crying at the register and then again at the store later. Now I’m just sad, but more of an "ok" kind of sad. I’m not sure what suddenly triggered the intense emotions. Could be because today marks six weeks since we lost Liam. It seems like it’s been forever, yet it feels like yesterday. Maybe it’s because I quit taking the birth control pills and I have so many mixed emotions with that. I feel nervous, terrified, guilty, and maybe a tiny bit excited. We agreed that we are going to leave everything in God’s hands, since he knows better than we do. I have a long way to go to really be at peace with losing Liam, but I’ve been at peace with the whole baby thing since we made the decision. God knows best, I know this, and since I prayed and left it completely in His hands, the desperate need to have a baby has gone away. Do I still want to gt pregnant? Of course, but I trust that God will bless us when He knows we are ready. Hell, I don’t even know what "being ready" really is… Or, maybe the emotions stem from the fact that I did ovulate on Wednesday, despite the fact that I was taking the pill. I was temping so I would know when to expect my monthly, and I figured the pills raised my temperature, but it’s still up. I’m really nervous because that could mean that I could get pregnant, despite the fact that I was taking the pill. Odds are that I’m not though and I’m nervous about that possibility as well. I’m scared of either outcome, but I’m trying my hardest to work my way through the anxieties. I know I’ll be ok either way, I just have to trust In God. All I’m absolutely sure of is today I miss Liam more than anything. I wish he was in my arms. I imagine how big he would be. I can see him, in his car seat, kicking his feet and making baby noises. When I look at his pictures, I imagine that he was sleeping. I wonder all the time about what he would be able to do at six weeks old? Would he have already smiled like his big brother? Would he be able to hold his head up? Would he sleep as much as Ville did, or would he be more of a crier? Would he have really been just like his daddy? I know he would, he already was. He looked just like him, and he acted just like him while I carried him. He was stubborn. He wouldn’t kick when my hand was on my tummy, though he did for Darryl a few times. The excitement on his face was priceless! He kicked more when Darryl was around anyway, maybe he was a daddy’s boy. He was such a night owl like his dd too, keeping me up all night by moving around. So much like his dad. <3 God I miss him! I love him beyond words. I wish he were here.

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