Roller Coaster
Every day is a struggle. I hate waking up because the first thing I do is remember. I have several breakdowns a day, mostly when I’m alone. I fight to keep it together when I’m around people because it’s easier to break down when I’m alone. It’s easier than people asking me if I’m ok. I’m not ok, I may never be ok again. I’m tired of being told that everything will be ok. I don’t want it to be "ok," I want my son. If one more person tells me that, "I’m still young," I will scream. I know I’m still young and have plenty of time to try and have more kids, but even if we had 10 more kids, they would never replace Liam. Don’t people understand that? Having another child might fill the empty void in my arms, but not my heart. They would fill their own space in my heart, but the hole would still be there. I just want to give up, but I can’t. Every day I ride this roller coaster until I fall apart. After the breakdown I get back on and ride it until the next breakdown. It never ends. I want to scream. I want to hurt something. I can’t. I want to be ok, but at the same time I don’t want to even try to move on. I’m not ready. So for now, I’ll continue riding this roller coaster and just hope I don’t fall off.
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I still can’t stand the mother’s ring my former husband gave me the same year I had a miscarriage. I don’t have such a ring now because even with the daughter I eventually had, there’s no acceptable marker for the one already waiting for us in Heaven. I know I’ll see her (or him) and recognize her/him, yet the loss is never acknowledged. I can hardly imagine,if I’d lost her after she was born. *hugs* Of course you’r not okay. Grieve your own way and at your own pace. And I’m glad you allow your family to grieve the loss as well. You all lost Liam (my oldest grandchild is named Liam).
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