Resentment

Darryl and I went out last night after he got off work. I managed to get myself fairly drunk, which took some of the edge off for a little while. The night started out well enough, I picked him up and we went to eat at Buffalo Wild Wings. I decided to try something new and ordered a drink I’d never had before. I don’t remember the name of it, but it had several different types of alcohol in it. It was really good, so I wound up having a second. I hadn’t eaten all day (I still have no appetite.) and alcohol gives me the munchies, so I practically devoured my salad and several of Darryl’s boneless wings. We were joking around and actually enjoying ourselves for the first time in a long time. After we left there I had Darryl drive since he can’t drink and he took me to the hookah bar downtown. While we were there I had two daquiris and he bought me a watermelon hookah. It was fun, though I felt bad since Darryl can’t smoke or drink. I was pretty buzzed by the time we left and I’d gotten pretty hyper from the alcohol. We went home and wound up fooling around. Of course thats where my mood dropped. Even though we didn’t actually have sex, he expressed concern over me getting pregnant. I guess he noticed the change in my demeanor, because he apologized and tried to explain himself. I just didn’t want to hear it. Something about me getting pregnant again so soon would look weird and that he just isn’t ready. The first part just kind of pissed me off. Who the fuck cares if it looks weird? Do they know how much I hurt? I don’t know why I feel that’s the only way I’m going to heal, but its a moot point. It doesn’t matter, because its not my decision alone. Regardless, I was hurt and upset by that statement and I resent that he would even say something like that. I can accept the fact that he’s not ready. Whether I like it or not, whether it kills me or not, at least its a valid reason. Worrying about other people thinking its weird is not. They don’t know the pain and anguish we’re feeling, so why would I care how they feel about the way I deal with it? I sobered up pretty quickly and was pretty quiet and serious until I fell asleep. I was still pretty upset this morning. I forget how the subject of compromising came up today, but when it did I was quick to point out that I’ve let go of a lot of things in order to compromise. Granted, lately we haven’t disagreed much, especially since he was the one who brought up the idea of the court house wedding. Our biggest issue up to this point, aside from me wanting to get married and him not wanting to, has been our different views on parenting. We’re usually pretty good at working together and creating our own way. For some things though, there is no compromise. Only one of us can get our way, and more often than not its him because obviously you can’t force someone to do something, no matter how much you want them to. Originally, he got his way on the getting married issue. I did a lot of soul searching and had ultimately decided that I’d rather have our relationship than a wedding. This is another issue where only one of us can get our way and it’s just not going to be me. Of course it’s just waiting, not a "never going to happen" thing like the wedding was, but it’s still so hard to deal with. It feels like I have to put my own wants and desires aside. I feel like this is what will help me heal. I don’t know why I feel that way, but I do. Maybe its because I’ve always put my child’s well being over my own, Maybe it’s because I’ll have something happy to look forward to, even though I’ll never forget that it’s not a given. I don’t know. All I do know for sure is that this need has never been so strong. I can’t shake it. It’s practically an obsession, and I’m resenting having to wait more and more, even though my body still hasn’t completely recovered yet. Even if we were in agreement, I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant yet, so why does it matter so much? For all I know this won’t matter because by the time my body’s healed we’ll be in agreement. I doubt that, but I don’t understand why I’m so bitter now. Maybe it’s just the thought of going through the last 5 years all over again. The anguish of trying for so long and being completely unable to get pregnant. The slow and painful acceptance that it might never happen. Then there was the shock and sheer joy at seeing that positive test just when I’d begun to accept that it just wasn’t meant to be. Maybe I feel like we’d be wasting precious valuable time since it took us so long to get pregnant. I don’t know. I feel like I barely understand my own thoughts anymore. I have so many emotions running through my head that it hurts. None of these emotions are good ones. I’m hurt, angry, bitter, frustrated, and just plain depressed. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want the pain to go away. I don’t want to be angry, but I don’t know how to accept this. I want to be happy, but it seems that I’ve forgotten how to.

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