People Just Don’t Get It
It has been a hellish few months. There’s no other way I can describe it. Depression has consumed me, to the point that all I seem to feel is misery. Darryl has been admitted to the hospital twice, for a condition that has no cure. A condition that could potentially lead to colon cancer or even worse. They say the odds are low, and that it won’t be for a while if we can keep it under control. They say if we keep him on the right meds and keep his diet in check, we "should" be able to manage it. I’ve done so much research and carefully planned my shopping trips about what he can and cannot eat, yet apparently its not enough. He wants to eat whatever he wants and I’m a bitch because I won’t let him. So, I’ve been pushing him away, and distancing myself when he gets these attitudes. I know why. I’ve been down this road before, though not with these circumstances. In my mind, even if he hates me, even if I push him completely away, there are others who care enough to try and make him eat right and keep his diet in check. If I lose him that way, maybe it won’t hurt as much. So I push him away, because if I give in and give him whatever he wants to make him happy today, it could have horrid consequences tomorrow. I can’t lose someone else that way. I lost my mom and I cannot lose him the same way. It’s too final and I really don’t think I could handle it. I’m barely handling losing my mom. Of course nobody seems to get that. My depression is because of my hormones. I’m a bitch because of my hormones. No… Hormones do not make you want to hurt yourself. Hormones do not make you wish you wouldn’t wake up in the morning. Hormones do not make you feel constant misery no matter what is going on around you. That’s depression, and for someone who has been there before, you’d think they’d get it. I guess he’s too caught up in his own issues, especially after he essentially told me that I need to stop stressing him out because of his issue… Doesn’t he realize that I too have issues and that his affects me as well, and that I’m absolutely terrified of losing someone else? The only thing that scares me more is the thought of losing my kids. They’re all I live for, and some days I have to remind myself that they need me, because some days I just want to die. I feel like I can’t tell anybody this because I should be happy. After so long, I’m finally having another baby, and I am happy for that, but so much has happened that I just can’t really feel teh happiness. People don’t understand that with depression, even if you are happy about something there’s this dark looming cloud covering that happiness, not letting you truly feel it. It’s true misery, and if you’ve never felt it, you won’t understand.
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I think that was one of the things that tore my marriage in two. I wanted to do everything research told me to prolong his life and after fighting with him after becoming that bitch I gave up. I gave up on myself because I didn’t want to hurt because I knew what he was doing to his body… I also feel the same way about my son. I credit him for me still being here *Hugs*
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