One Week

It’s been one week. I should be sleep deprived, gorging on food, and happy; looking forward to the future. The only one that still holds true is the sleep deprivation. I can’t sleep unless I lay down as I’m ready to pass out. If I don’t, I wind up in tears for a good while until I pass out. I don’t sleep long and I either haven’t dreamed or I don’t remember them. I wish I could dream of my little boy, but I guess the living nightmare is enough. I close my eyes and see his face and I long so much to reach out and be able to touch him. My arms ache to hold him and my hands ache to caress his tiny cheeks. My arms feel useless and are more like a dead weight on my body. I have no desire to eat. I’m not hungry at all. I think I’ve felt hungry twice this week, the rest of the time I’m forcing myself to eat. How ironic. I just keep reminding myself that I need to get healthy and stay healthy so that we have a good chance of our future children being healthy. Part of me is terrified to ever become pregnant again, but I know I will, if I can. The other part of me wants to get pregnant ASAP. It’s not that another child could ever replace our son, but I need a baby to hold. I’ll never stop wishing that Liam would have been ok and that he had a chance to come home in my arms. I can’t imagine this ever gets easier. I can’t imagine feeling completely happy again when pieces of my heart are in Heaven. I spend my days sitting, lost. I feel like I can barely function enough to take care of Ville, and that just makes me more depressed. My 6 year old should not be consoling me, but I can’t help but lose it sometimes. I spend most of my time clutching the teddy bear the hospital gave us. We call him our Liam Bear. We both separately became attached to the bear and gave him this name, that gives me faith that we will get through this together. Its something so simple, so small, but it just makes me know that I’m with the right person and that we can get through anything together. Despite this, the future terrifies me. What if I can’t get pregnant again? Or scarier, what if I can? I’m going to be beyond paranoid. What if we have a girl? Will I know what to do? Will I be upset, since I actually would like another boy? What if it is a boy? Will he look like Liam? Will he look like Ville? How bad will it hurt when I see his big brother in him? Will my living kids know how much I love them, despite my constant preoccupation with my angel? Does Liam know how much I love him? Does he know that I miss him so much? Can he hear me when I tell him these things? Does he know my heart aches when I get angel kisses? Does he know what I would do to have him here? I hope he can hear me because I tell him quite often. I love him, God I love him so much. I love all of my children and it kills me that I have to choose between living with one or meeting the others in Heaven. It’s a choice I have to make every day, that no one knows about. The only reason I can make this choice is because I’m told there is no pain in Heaven, so I know that even of they miss me, my angels are happy. Ville doesn’t have that luxury, he needs his parents. He needs his mother, no matter how broken she may be. So every morning I cry, because that is one more day I’m away from my angels, then I get up, and attempt to make a good life for my only angel on earth.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Rhonda Ford

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