Not Sure How To Feel

I’m fairly certain that Darryl read my entry yesterday. I don’t mind, he’s read my diary for pretty much the entirety of our relationship. If I didn’t want him to I’d change my password and make certain entries for friends only so he couldn’t see them. Of course it’s caused some arguments, but since I’m horrible at communicating, it usually helps that I can write my feelings down and he can actually understand where i’m coming from. 9 times out of 10 him reading my diary actually starts the conversations, since I’m pretty raw here, but close myself up in person. I’m just not good at actually talking to people. I need time to think about what I want to say and how I want to say it. That being said, sometimes he does take things the wrong way. For example, he commented that he "ruined" my night the other night with what he said. He didn’t ruin my night, anything could have triggered a mood swing. Besides, I hadn’t told him not to mae certain comments because we aren’t having sex yet. Was it insensitive, depends. To him, no, he was just worried. To me, yes, though I have yet to openly express my feelings to him. I probably should, but I don’t see a reason to when it’s a moot point. We couldn’t try to get pregnant right now even if we both agreed to it. When that time comes, I’ve told him that he needs to let me know when he feels ready. i’m sure the topic will come up well before then, but like I’ve said, if one person disagrees, then the rest doesn’t really matter in this case. In all honesty, no matter how much and how desperately I want to get pregnant, I’ll both always and never truly be ready. Getting pregnant again opens up the potential risk of having yet another angel and reliving this nightmare again. I’m absolutely terrified of that possibility. I don’t want to seem like I’m downplaying miscarriage or my first angel, but losing my son after 8 months of anticipation, feeling him grow and move, hearing his precious heartbeat, and giving birth to him was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I thought losing my baby at almost 8 weeks was difficult, which it was, but this is a whole new level of pain. Maybe its because there’s so much more I’m grieving. I still miss my first angel and I think of her often. I was so overcome with guilt when I was pregnant with Liam because I’d made it farther with him than I did with her. I don’t know. To me the risk of gaining another angel is outweighed by the possibility of finally bringing home the baby I’ve longed for for so long. I know the chances of loss are magnified after having been through one, both literally and figuratively, but if I dwell on the statistics or the terror in my mind, I’ll never again realize the sheer joy of finally getting to look into the eyes of a miracle. Sigh. Maybe one day in the not too horribly distant future. I’m not sure if Darryl’s trying to appease me or take my mind off of this obsession, or what, but he started talking about wedding stuff last night. We’ve been planning to have the courthouse wedding this October, which is still going to happen if i can find a bouquet of water lillies, but he started talking about how we can do the ceremony next year instead of waiting until our 5th wedding anniversary. He wanted to do a springtime ceremony, but since we won’t have a deposit for a place until then, that’s kind of out of the question. Well, maybe anyway. Depends on what I find out from the location. It was the last thing on my mind and honestly I could have cared less if we never had a ceremony. The main reason I wanted to have one was for my mom to be at my side when I got married. A little too late for that… Do I want to get marred? Of course, but I was content to have the courthouse wedding with just us. I don’t know if I can even handle planning a ceremony right now. I’m really hoping he didn’t take my last entry as some kind of guilt trip over not having a wedding ceremony too. I was referring to the fact that he didn’t want to get married at all and I had to do quite a bit of soul searching because I thought it was something important that I needed. In reality, I’d never wanted to get married. I always thought I’d be happier taking the "sperm donor" route because that way I wouldn’t have to share my kids. Then we met and I fell in love with him, that’s what changed my mind. After I remembered this and realized that I didn’t want a wedding if it wasn’t with him, I agreed that I didn’t care if we never got married. I don’t remember what changed his mind, but in the end we did decide to. It really wouldn’t bother me all that much if we didn’t. The only thing I’ve never changed my mind on was wanting children and I was upfront about that from day one. So anyway, I’m not exactly sure how I feel about planning this ceremony. I should be excited, but I feel like it’s a mindless chore, set up to keep my mind off of babies. I can’t exactly mindlessly plan a wedding ceremony, but I can’t seem to really put my head into it. It’s just not what I really want right now. Today has been especially rough, though I’m not really sure why. I couldn’t sleep last night and wound up having a complete breakdown at 3:30 this morning. I got on Pintrest and was repinning quotes an d other things pertaining to angel babies and I just lost it. I started sobbing and I just sat in bed, cross legged, clutching Liam’s bear for dear life. I cried for over an hour until I finally passed out. As much as I just want to scream that it’s not fair, I’m part of groups and I’ve read lots of diaries on here of people who’ve lost a lot more than 2 babies. No, it’s not fair that I’ve lost 2 children, that my hopes and dreams have been shattered not once, but twice. So how is it that there are people who have lost so many more children? How does one survive that? I’m finding it hard enough to survive this. I’m very conflicted and I’m slipping further away. I’m not so angry at God anymore, but I don’t feel any comfort from Him either. Darryl’s gotten even more religious since we lost Liam, but I can’t even go to church with him. I find myself bitter knowing that the people there would be showing me sympathy. Maybe it’s because i’m afraid of hearing about how this was "God’s plan" or "everything happens for a reason." I know I’ll snap on the first person who tells me that. I’ve accepted that I’ll never know why. I don’t want to know why because if God came to me and told me why I’d call bullshit. I don’t remember them, but I did have nightmares last night. I knew I would, since Darryl was watching some kind of anime version of Dante’s Inferno. I was only half paying attention, but of course managed to look up while they were passing through purgatory. The poet was explaining why there were babies in purgatory, something about them being unbaptized. They wouldn’t baptize my son because he was already gone. The father blessed him, but refused to baptize him. I’m not Catholic, I’m Baptist and I was raised to believe that if you die before you know how to sin, you’re considered innocent and go to Heaven, not fucking purgatory. I cannot believe that God would be so cruel as to put an innocent child here on Earth long enough for them to wander around purgatory for eternity because they were too fragile for this world. I was pissed off and I knew it would bring nightmares. hell, that’s probably what triggered the breakdown too. Stupid movie! Hopefully tonight’s better. I plan on

taking some melatonin relatively early so I can get some sleep. Ville starts school next week (got him transferred today) and I need to regulate my schedule so I can get him up in the morning. The week after he starts school I have my appointment and will hopefully be cleared to go back to work. I never thought I’d say that I missed work, but I do. Well, sort of anyway… I’m nervous about going back, since there are a LOT of regulars who know me and everyone knows what happened. I’m worried about the comments and the glances at my tummy. I saw one of my regulars in Publix the other day and she glanced down at my stomach and then her head shot up and she started telling me how sorry she was about my baby. It nearly did me in and that was on one of my better days. I just need something to do, aside from sitting at home wishing my arms would stop aching. At least work will keep both my mind and my arms busy. Plus, maybe I’ll get to tell Liam’s birth story some more when I’m not so busy. I love his birth story, the hard part is the 15 minutes afterward, but his birth was perfect, despite the panicked rush to the hospital. I love the fact that he was born naturally without any drugs at all and no episiotomy! Everything happened so fast it was blurry at the time, but I remember every detail so well. My absolute favorite memory was looking down after he was out, but before they cut the cord. He was so tiny and he was kind of wiggling. It was the only time I ever got to see him move. It was also the only time we heard him cry, though they weren’t actual cries, more like whimpering maybe? Then they whisked him away and started poking and prodding me. That’s the part I wish I was drugged up for! It wasn’t how I pictured his birth (I was actually planning on using IV drugs like I had with Ville, but was considering natural.) but in a way it was. Darryl and I were the only ones there, just like we’d planned and though I didn’t know it Darryl watch him being born. I actually didn’t know that he’d watched Ville being born too. I didn’t have any panic attacks, despite the pain and the fact that I had to drive myself to Darryl’s job after realizing that I was actually in labor. I knew exactly what to do and I managed to hold myself back from pushing until the doctors had me set up. Longest 10 or 15 minutes of my life right there, but without that we may not have gotten the few precious memories we do have of him before they took us to the NICU. Those memories mean everything, because now that’s all we have. </3

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Rhonda Ford

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