Misery
So, I’m just gonna start by saying that I’m just fucking miserable. I’m not really sure if I just get some kind of pregnancy induced depression (Not like it’d be much difference, since I’ve had depression most of my life.) or if its just because so much bullshit happens during my pregnancies. I’ve been extremely triggered lately, unfortunately moreso with eating issues than self harm. At least if I wound up relapsing with self harm it wouldn’t hurt my baby. I’ve been good though, I haven’t given more than a passing glance at any of it. I just miss it because it was my "safety net." It was all consuming, numbing my mind to everything else and now that I need that numbing power, I don’t have it. Anyways, I haven’t been on lately because we haven’t had any internet access at the house. The lady who gave us permission to use hers added a password and wouldn’t give it to us. Whatever. Then, last weekend, my family informs me that the rent check bounced. The landlord’s a prick and won’t accept payment, either that or my dad just refuses to make it up, so we’re forced to move out by Saturday. We had to ask Darryl’s mom to stay here for a few months, since our savings was depleted between the car and helping my family. Fucking lovely. We got almost all of our clothes here and our game systems. All we really have left is our mattresses. The comic books and figurines are going into storage along with the baby stuff we already have. The majority of our stuff is packed up and ready to go. Most of the time I just want to cry anymore. This is the last thing I need right now. After everything that’s happened in the last fucking month, now this. Can’t we just catch a break? Isn’t life supposed to get easier or some shit? I know this sounds horrible and I feel guilty for thinking this way, even though it probably isn’t even an issue for me to think this, but I don’t want to live my life and end up life y mom. My mom was fucking miserable, 99% of the time. She hated her life, hated the fact that she was with my dad, hated her jobs. She was always run down and tired because life just kept dumping shit on her. Yeah, a lot of it was self inflicted. She tried to leave my dad when my brother and I were Ville’s age, but she couldn’t afford to. When we grew up, she was just comfortable with the way the bills were paid and didn’t bother. I’ve been there. Years ago, when Darryl and I were at one of our lowest points, I wanted to leave. We were hardly a couple at that point, hardly spending any time together, and I was beyond depressed, but I couldn’t afford to leave. Granted, we’ve worked through a lot of shit and at this point I’m glad we decided to work things out, but back then I didn’t even want to. I don’t want to be in that position ever. If we don’t love each other, I want to know that one of us will leave. I just can’t imagine living the way my parents did. I do believe that my dad cared for my mom, all the way to the bitter end, but I don’t think he was in love with her. I think he was more about honoring the vows he took. I’ll never know, but he always aimed to keep her happy, she just never seemed to be satisfied. That scares me because I just don’t know how to be happy. Once I’m happy, things turn to shit. Every. Single. Time. I’m just ready to give up but at the same time, ‘I’d like to live my life, you know? Sigh. Maybe one day things will be ok.
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