Maybe My Stuff Should Be Private

So Darryl’s pissed at me over a private entry I wrote about struggling with my emotions and whatnot. I’m sorry that I don’t properly know how to handle my emotions, but I’m not doing any of the things I’m struggling with. That was the whole point of it being private, so as to not get everyone all hyped up over the thoughts in my head. I know he reads my diary every once in a while. He has my password and I don’t log out from the computer but seriously, if he’s going to flip out over every thought I write maybe I should keep my stuff more private from him. I’m a firm believer in not having secrets and I’m pretty much an open book, not counting how bad my ED truly was, he never knew the full extent of that, but nobody except people who read the other blog I kept knew how bad it really was/is. No, I’m not acting on any of the impulses, but it’s a daily struggle. I don’t have a cute, firm, round belly. I look fat, plain and simple, and it weighs on me every time I look in the mirror. I can’t help it, but I fight it. Every single day. I’m sorry that I can’t be the perfect person he wants me to be. Maybe he should remember that he’s not perfect either. I’m sorry that I can’t be his rock. I’m sorry that I’m not strong enough, especially right now. Maybe he should realize that I’m doing the best I can and I’m also trying my hardest not to burden him with my pain. I hide all of this because he doesn’t deserve to have to be my rock if I can’t do the same for him. He’s mad because I don’t always know how to deal with his mom. Of course I don’t, she’s the most bullheaded person I know. The tactics I use on normal people have never worked on her. Hell, being completely straight up front and blunt with her don’t work. How is that my fault? I’m just so frustrated. This shit is tearing us apart and I’m just over it. I’m done fighting. I’ve been done. I’ve fought and fought and fought for him to always give up when things get rough. Well this time it’s his turn. If he wants to walk away I won’t chase after him, but if he wants to fight for me and work this shit out then I’m game. I love him and honestly if he doesn’t believe that now he probably never will. There’s just so much going on in my head that I just can’t do all this anymore. It’s out of my hands because I refuse to add this to my already overwhelming list of issues that I can’t even begin to properly deal with. I’m so tired and I’m just ready to give up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Rhonda Ford

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