Lost
I feel so lost anymore. I’ve come on here several times to write, but I can’t seem to collect any coherent thoughts. Work’s finally calming down. It seems that the thing with the drunk driving/selling to a minor thing was either bullshit or the parents had the wrong store. Fingers crossed that we don’t hear anymore of it. We had another beer sting today. I was there again, but my coworker handled it like a boss. I was actually excited because my boss’s boss texted me to warn me about it, even though I already knew. It made me feel like an actual included member of the management team, even though my role isn’t too important in the long run. I guess I just felt kind of important for once. I should be asleep right now. Hell, I should have been asleep long ago, but I just can’t seem to get to sleep. I’m exhausted during the day, and given half a chance I will pass the fuck out, but come night time I’m wide awake. I think it’s because I’m depressed and my mind started racing once I’m alone and whatnot. I dread going into the office at work for the same reason. Every time I go in there I end up thinking about my mom and crying my eyes out. I have no idea how to handle this because I have no idea how to properly handle stress or any type of emotion for that matter. The coping mechanisms I’ve always used (some form of self destruction.) are obviously out of the question. I quit cutting when I was pregnant with Ville because I wanted more for him than a mother who would harm herself while carrying her child. Yes, I did relapse several times especially when my ED worsened, but I’ve stopped everything. I haven’t cut or relapsed into my ED since before I knew I was pregnant. In a way I believe I was given this baby now, while having to deal with such a huge emotional issue because he gives me a reason to not sink into my ED or self harm. He’s the reason I’m not blindly drunk while starving myself and cutting myself over and over every single day. Yes, I wanted to get better before he was conceived. No, we never expected to get pregnant, especially not when I had just entered recovery, but I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason. Why else would I be given such a miracle after trying for so long and severely relapsing into every dangerous behavior I’ve ever indulged in? Why else would I lose my mom before my son was born? She was beyond excited. She knew how badly we wanted this. She never knew the extent of my mental health issues, but she knew we’d been trying (Though we never told her we’d given up since it had a lot to do with my relapse.) and that we never thought we’d have another baby. One of the first places I’m going to take the boys when Liam is born is to her grave so I can "introduce" her to her newest grandson. I’m debating about going on Easter, but I’, worried about how I’ll handle it. I’d like to go alone so I can just speak my mind, but I don’t know if that’s a good idea given how emotional I am right now. I’m trying my hardest, but it just doesn’t seem to be getting any easier. Maybe one day it will, but right now, every day is a struggle. And with that, I really have to get to bed. I have to be up in 6 1/2 hours to get ready for work and that’s nowhere near the amount of sleep I need so… Night everyone. Much love.
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