I Need Him More

I read a poem today and though it was well meant and maybe a comfort to some, it brought so much anger to me when I read it. I don’t remember the words, but they cut like a knife to my heart. Something about God needing a baby more than their parents. I lost it. I cried so hard after reading that. I need my son more than God ever possibly could. I can’t accept that. I don’t know why he took my little boy, but I do know that nobody needs him more than his family. I miss him so much, its unbearable. My arms ache so much. Most of the time they feel so heavy with the burden of emptiness, that all I can do is sit with them limp at my side. I want to hold my baby. I want him here with me. Nobody should ever have to know this pain.I went to the funeral home to pay for Liam’s cremation today and while we were there a woman came in asking about another infant’s funeral. I’ve realized that life is cruel. I can’t bring myself to use the D word in any form. Liam grew wings or when I’m speaking to my job, he "didn’t make it." I can’t say it the way I was able to when it was my mom. My body is beginning to go back to normal. I hate it. I hate the fact that physically I’m fine, no pain, aside from engorgement, and that’s almost gone. I hate that too. I hate the reminder that I have no baby to nourish. I hate the fact that my body has realized this and is returning to normal. I hate the fact that my body looks almost like it did before I got pregnant. I hate my body more than ever and it has nothing to do with weight or how I look. My body failed my son. My beautiful, perfect, amazing little boy. He looked like his daddy. I miss him more than words could ever express and I need him here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Rhonda Ford

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