Drained

Physically, mentally, emotionally… Any way I can feel drained, I do. Lets see, Monday my car got repossessed, an hour before I had to leave for work. I lost it. Everything I’d been holding in came bursting to the surface. I screamed, cried, basically threw a tantrum, which caused major friction between Darryl and I. I just couldn’t deal with anything more. I didn’t care and I was ready to give up. Apparently, my dad got further behind than he’d let on and my efforts at catching up weren’t good enough. In my opinion, they should have rejected the payments I sent in last week because the car was already up for repossession and it was nowhere near the full amount required to stop it. They don’t care, so I’m out a shit ton of money on top of everything. I wasn’t too late for work and my boss was quite understanding about the situation. Luckily, the new guy had caught on quickly during training and work was a breeze that night. Tuesday morning, I had to stay up to call the car company and find out what the hell had happened. That’s when I found out I was 6 months behind, not just a handful of payments like I was told. I was livid. I still need to get in touch with the repossession people seeing as they haven’t bothered to call me back, so I can get anything I may have left in the car. I’d gotten no very little sleep the night before and wasn’t too happy. Once I found out how far behind I was, we decided to talk to a guy Darryl knows and see what he had. I went to the lot, test drove the car Darryl had picked out and decided I liked it. It’s old and needs some minor work, (Like new brakes, oil change, etc…) but those are my favorite cars because I can make them mine. Hell, I was going to rebuild the engine on the Beast before it got totaled by that drunk driver hitting me. We agreed that I would have the car covered by insurance the next morning and I would pay $500 down for the car. Luckily, work was once again very easy going because I was pretty tired. Fast forward to Wednesday morning. I stay up again because we have to be at the car lot around 10:30 to make sure I get everything situated before I have to go to work. We get everything taken care of, fill ut the forms, give the man the money and are on our way shortly after. I’m even more tired after another restless night and I just want to cry because I have to go in to work. I was scheduled off at 9 and had to be back at 7 am this morning. At first, work seemed to be another easy day. We had everything done early, talked about lots of stuff, and just had a relaxing day. Then we got hit with a beer sting. My coworker ID’d the girl, but read the ID wrong and sold to her. She was arrested and probably terminated once she got out of jail today. I wanted to cry, but held myself together to get through the endless waves of customers and call my boss in the process. I wound up staying until 10, unable to walk around and was in a lot of pain from standing in one spot. Then, when I got home I had to let my body relax and kept praying that my mind would do the same. I didn’t fall asleep until almost 3 am. Flashbacks… Recently, I’ve been having flashbacks of my mom, seeing her in the coffin at the wake, seeing the casket as we left the graveyard one last time, just things like that. They keep me up at night and last night they were worse because the situation reminded me of when it happened to my mom around this time last year. They put her picture up on the sheriff’s website and I bawled when I saw it. My mom had tears in her eyes. the woman I thought wasn’t afraid of anything, was terrified and alone in that jail. It haunts me almost as much as seeing her lying in that coffin. Then I realized that the last couple of years things had just gone downhill for her. She’d lost everything she owned in the house fire, then was arrested for accidentally selling to a minor during a sting, then she just worked two shitty jobs nonstop. The only time she seemed happy was when she was with her kids and grandchildren. I’ve always been kind of a loner, and being around people exhausts me. I feel so guilty that a lot of times I was either too tired or just couldn’t be bothered to spend time with her. I’ve started to spend more time with the rest of my family, but it’s too late and she was my closest friend. The first I always called for everything. I find myself thinking (and I know, this is so horrible and I’m terrible for it) that I wish t had been my dad instead, so I could have learned this lesson and spent more time with my mom, since I’m much closer to her. I don’t wish my dad was dead, but I guess if I had the chance to choose, I’d choose to keep my mom. God I’m a horrid person. I also feel like maybe we could have helped her if I’d gone to check on her when I noticed her truck was still there. I know there’s nothing we could have done, what killed her did it in an instant, so quickly she didn’t even have time to get up or call out, but it’s there in the back of my mind. Then I wonder, if we could have done something to prevent it if she’d said anything (if she even had any idea something was wrong) the day before hand. I knew she was exhausted from working so much, but I never imagined… She seemed fine that Saturday at the Strawberry festival. We’d talked about next year, with Liam. It kills me that she’ll never meet him. I think that kills me more than anything. She knew how badly I wanted another baby. She knew that we’d been trying for forever and that we thought we would never get pregnant again. She was the first person we told and she was so far beyond excited. She’ll never get to meet her newest grandson that she was so excited for. She’ll never spend time with him or her little buddy. Ville truly was Gammy’s boy. So with all that, I’m drained. I’m going to try to get some form of counselling once I get regular insurance again. Maybe it will help. For now, I’m just trying to make it through each day and not worry about the next because if I did, I’d never make it.

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