Bad Day
First, I just want to say thank you to everyone for the notes. They are all so appreciated. I’ve been so preoccupied that I haven’t thought to reply to them, though I will soon. Our internet should be set up at home on Thursday, so if I can’t do it before, I’ll reply to them then.
Today was such a bad day. It was so hard to hold myself together and I finally broke down when Darryl insisted we talk. I couldn’t talk, so I just listened to him and lost it. He doesn’t seem to understand that nothing he can say or do will make me feel any better. He always tries to make me happy, but this is one thing he can’t fix, no matter how much he wants to. I feel so empty. My heart hurts and my arms ache with the need to hold my baby. I’m so tired because I can’t sleep. I have to be about to pass out in order to fall asleep and then I wake up after only 3 hours. I woke up at 3 this morning and it took me until 6 to fall back to sleep. I finally had a dream last night. I barely remember it, but I know I was in the hospital and my mom was there, in the other bed. She was comforting me after we’d found out we lost Liam, in the dream. Maybe God took her so she could be ready to greet Liam. Couldn’t He have just let us keep them both here with us? I’d give anything for that. I miss my little boy so much. I wish people wouldn’t ask me if I’m ok. I’m not and I don’t know how to be.
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Let yourself grieve in whatever manner you need to. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re doing something wrong or that you should let it go or move on. 4 months after my daughter died, someone who was supposed to be a good friend of mine told me people were tired of me being sad about it so I just needed to let it go and move on. I quit being her friend for a while. People who have never been through
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been through this (and sometimes even people who have), have this arbitrary idea of how long grief takes, but it’s unrealistic because each person grieves differently. What may take one person a month to move on from takes another a year. And it’s all perfectly NORMAL. So you take time to grieve YOUR WAY, however long that takes. When you’re ready to start moving on, you’ll know.
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But don’t ever think that moving on means getting over it. It will never be something you get over. But eventually, when you’ve reached a certain point, you can let the hurt go enough to not let it so completely take over your life. It’s been almost five years since we said goodbye to my daughter, and even still I have days I want to stay in bed and cry while holding her bear.
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I love your counters, all of them! Please don’t rush yourself in the healing or grieving process, please just take one day at a time. As for replying to notes, mine anyway (!), there is no obligation. Just know we here in OD are listening and hurting with you as much as possible. And keep in mind with D. that as a man he has an innate need to fix things and especially to make his woman/mate happy.If you can’t be happy he probably feels worthless. I say that to help soothe the feelings against him for asking or trying in ways that obviously (to a woman) won’t work. Know he wants to help but can’t and how helpless that makes him feel. It’s his loss too although in a different biological way (his milk isn’t coming in!). Just be patient with your family and friends and mostly with yourself.
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