Back And Forth

Today has been especially rough. It started when a thunder storm woke me up at 5:30 this morning. Mornings seem to be the hardest because I wake up and immediately remember, since Liam would always start kicking as soon as I’d wake up. It was like he knew I was up and he was telling me good morning. God, I miss those good morning kicks. The storm wakes me up, and I get more and more upset, convinced that the storm will scare Liam. I clutch the teddy bear the hospital gave us and whisper through tortured tears, that everything is ok, and that the storm will pass. I lose it completely when I make the empty promise, that I would never let anything hurt him. I can’t keep that promise, because it’s already broken. My body failed him. My body has now failed two children. This is worse than the fear I’ve always had that I wouldn’t be able to have kids. I never imagined I would lose my child, especially after he was born. I can’t forgive myself for failing him when it’s my job to protect my children. Time only seems to make things worse. After the storm passed and I calmed down, I fell back to sleep for several hours. I wake up, have my usual cry, and with a sigh I begin to get ready. Bathroom time seems to be the best time for me to vent my frustrations. I cry and clutch one of the towels while I vehemently unleash my emotions. I’m quiet, so I don’t disturb the boys. I want to be left alone and if they hear me they will try to comfort me. I don’t want their comfort when I’m angry, this is between God and me. He gave him to me and I failed to protect him, then He took my son away from me. I know that isn’t how I should see things, and maybe one day I won’t, but right now that’s all that runs through my mind. After my vent and a rushed shower, I begin to gather Liam’s things. We had discussed donating his stuff to people who needed it and were supposed to be taking the stuff today. We had gone through everything already and had some special things put away. Today, I needed to know that we could keep more. I needed to keep some things that weren’t as associated with Liam, but that could be used in the future, if we dare try again. It would be special hand me downs from the big brother they’ll never know. I was afraid to ask. It was selfish and in my head it sounded wrong. I shouldn’t be thinking about ever having another baby when all I really want is my little boy. He could tell I wanted to say something. I hesitated, then everything just poured out. He agreed, but it struck a nerve. I took out each bag, carefully going through each one, and making the difficult decision of what to keep and what I could stand to give up. Emotions were high. He tried to bottle his and I cried as we each went about getting everything together. An argument was brewing. We couldn’t contain the emotions as I went back and forth with various bags of clothing and baby items. Five minutes and the argument was over. We went to separate parts of the house, both of us emotionally spent. I knew he would talk when he was ready and I needed to calm down. After a little while he came in and let his emotions out. He admitted he wasn’t ready to let go and didn’t want to give the stuff away. I agreed, my anxiety had been growing more and more as we’d loaded the car. We talked and cried together and then hand in hand we went back out to the car to bring our son’s things back into our house.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Rhonda Ford

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