Another Angel Grew His Wings
Saturday evening, our little boy arrived. I’d been having hip pain all morning at work and was pretty sure I would be fully going into labor soon, since it was the same pain I’d felt while in labor with Ville. The contractions were erratic, ranging from 10 to 20 minutes apart. Once I got to the house they started getting a little closer together, but were still not regular. After Darryl’s mom, brother, and Ville left to go to the movies I decided to go take a bath. As soon as I sat in the water the contractions got worse and started coming every 2 to 3 minutes. Between contractions I got out of the tub and grabbed the few things that weren’t in the hospital bag, that I’d thankfully thrown in the trunk. I grabbed the keys and somehow drove myself the 5 minutes to Darryl’s job. I went in and found him and he drove me the rest of the way there. About halfway there I felt him crowning. My mind was racing and it was all I could do to fight the urge to push. When we finally got there my entire body was numb and all my focus was on not pushing. They got me into a wheelchair and rushed me up to emergency delivery. They kept asking me questions that I could barely answer. Once they finally got me into a triage room, the nurse checked me and immediately called for them to move me again. I was completely dilated and his head was right there. I knew that, since the urge to push was beyond overwhelming. They told me to keep fighting the urge as they took me to the actual delivery room. Once there my body was beyond my control, the only way I could keep myself from pushing was to lift my hips in the air while they got the IV set up. Once it was in they told me to go ahead and push. I kept losing the grip on my leg and couldn’t push properly until the nurse grabbed one and Darryl grabbed the other. One long push and he was out. He cried a couple times as they cut his cord and put him in the little bed thing. They worked on him while I was poked and prodded, then they whisked him away to the NICU. When things finally settled down they asked us some questions and put everything into the computer. Not long after a nurse came and informed us that we were needed in the NICU, it wasn’t looking good. We got there and the doctor told us that they couldn’t get him to breathe and that without chest compressions his heart rate kept dropping. They had been trying to stabilize him to send him to Tampa, but they couldn’t. He wasn’t responding to any of the medications, nor the actual ventilator. They told us there was nothing they could do. I shook my head, refusing to believe them. They asked us if we wanted to hold him, and I couldn’t even think, I just nodded. They wrapped him up and handed him to me. I just stared at him, willing him to move, to breathe, anything. In my head I imagined a miracle. I prayed so hard for that miracle and it never came. He was so beautiful, he looked just like his dad. His hair was black and his eyes were brown. I only found that out because Darryl opened his eyes. I was too afraid to because I didn’t want to hurt him. We had pictures taken the next morning, and I’ll post them once we get them. We are all completely heartbroken. I have no idea how to even go on. I’ve never seen Darryl so broken and vulnerable and all we can do now is try to stay strong for each other, or at least try to lean on each other to hold ourselves up. So far it seems like each day is harder than the last. Leaving the hospital last night was probably the hardest. Then this morning we had to make arrangements at the funeral home. I never thought I’d need to go through that. RIght now I just feel guilty. They told us that his lungs were underdeveloped because I had very little to no fluid. I didn’t know I’d leaked any fluid, but in my head, its my fault. I should have known and I should have found a way to make him be ok. I feel like I’m being punished, I’ve lost so much this year alone. I waited so long for this baby, we tried so hard for so long and he was ripped from me in a more awful way than our angel. All I want is for him to be here, in my arms. This pain is so much worse than anything I’ve ever felt. My arms hurt, the time I got to spend holding him was amazing, despite the anguish of knowing I was holding an angel. I miss him so much and I have no idea where I go from here.
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Rhonda Ford
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i just saw you on the front page. i hope you do not mind that i RCd you. I am sure OD community would like to support you. You do not know me, but I would like to say how truly sorry I am .
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I just happened to see you on the front page. I am very sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you.
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Like the others, I saw you on the front page. I’m so, so sorry for your loss. I’ll say a prayer for you and your family.
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I’m so sorry for your loss. Saw this on Reader’s Choice. *gentle caring hug, with tears*
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Oh, I am so sorry. Your baby boy sounds so precious and beautiful and loved.
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I lit a candle for him; it’s here: http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng&gi=LO *gentle caring hug*
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AWW sweetheart <3 im sorry for your loss of you sweet baby boy <333
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So very sorry for the loss of your sweet little boy.
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Saw you on the front page. I am so sorry for your loss. There is a website called Christian’s Beach that will write your son’s name on the sand on a beach in Australia and photograph it at sunset. There’s no charge unless you want a high resolution image. http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/ Mrs. Tiny Duckie (not signed in)
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I’m so incredibly sorry. My thoughts are with your family. 🙁
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My mother lost a baby when I was 12, its something I see her struggle with every year on his bday. I am lucky enough that she was able to live on, and find happiness in the children and now grand children she had surrounding her…when we mention our family we never leave him out. He may not physically be here but he will always be a part of us all. I wish you the very best, and I am sorry for your lose.
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wow 🙁 so very sorry~
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I’m so sorry this happened to you. *hugs*
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I am sorry for your loss and the hurt.
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so, so sorry for your loss<3
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Words, especially from strangers, can never help to ease your heartache. Still, I’m so very sorry that you didn’t have more time with him.
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I’m so sorry for your loss. Going home without baby is just wrong, I know. You know already this is not your fault and also your son will see you again in Heaven, but that doesn’t stop today’s pain. Thank you for sharing and know people are thinking of you kindly and with prayer.
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I’m so very sorry for your loss. Please know that I’ll be keeping you and your family in my prayers and thoughts.
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Sending comfort to you breaking heart. xxx
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*random note* i was reading your previous entry and then saw the title of the next one and was like no!!! im deeply sorry i have no words. I am always here if you need to talk even though you do not know me. I am sending you a cuddle xxxx
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