Alone

Sometimes, especially lately, I just want to be alone. I’ve been beyond depressed the last few days, most likely because Monday is my doctor’s appointment and I get to pick out which birth control I "want." I get so upset even thinking about it, working against the very thing I want. Sigh… I’m not going to sugar coat it, it makes me angry. I’m angry because I feel like I’m giving up what I want for others, again. But that’s stupid because this isn’t choosing where to have dinner, this is something huge. I hate the fact that I have to make this decision with someone else, but without him  there’s no decision to make. My head’s all kinds of messed up anymore. I’m tired of hearing "It’ll be ok." and "Just talk to God." I know everything will work out, but no, it won’t ever be ok because pieces of me are in Heaven. They’re ok, but I won’t truly be ok until I’m with them. I know that, I’ve accepted that, but it doesn’t mean it’s ok. I do talk to God, every single day, I pray for guidance and comfort. I pray that he tells my children how much I love them and miss them, and to tell them that I’ll see them one day. I thank Him for every precious second I had with both of my angels. I pray and I cry and I beg God to guide my way. Every day I pray for the strength to make it through that day. Every day I pray for God to show me what I’m supposed to do. I’m supposed to help people, that is my purpose. I’ve known that for a long time, but now I will do even more to honor my children. That gives me no peace, no comfort for this longing though. I know I have to wait, but could somebody tell my heart that? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Rhonda Ford

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