I (don’t) want to give him up

I’m a firm believer in knowing where you came from to see how far you’ve gone… or how you got there.

I’m 35, gay, upper-middle class, basically retired, have 3 great dogs, a nice house, and a brand new jeep.  On paper things are awesome.

I’m from a broken home, have no contact with my family, 2 years out of a 7 year emotionally abusive relationship where I acted like the cheating didn’t bother me before I finally got out, loaded my dogs in my small (at the time) car, and drove from Seattle back home to Iowa.

I came here and flourished alone.  I thought my mental health rebounded – I’ve always been resilient.  I have my circle of friends and a healthy social life. Then, 2 months ago, came Steven.

I’m gay and single… there have been plenty of good-looking, charismatic guys around in the last 2 years, but none of them did anything for me. Then came Steven.

But, where I’m usually happy-go-lucky and ready for anything fun – he’s grumpy and seems to prefer being alone most of the time.

Where I take a general Scarlett O’Hara, “I’ll think about that tomorrow” attitude, he smolders about everything… anger.

Where I like talking, asking questions, and getting to know someone, he calls me needy and says he hates texting.

When we’re apart, I’m certain that I don’t even like him… let alone anything more.  When we’re together, there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him.

Now, I think, through no fault of his own, the cracks in my mental health are showing to me more than anything.  I don’t know how to talk to him.  After the needy comment, I actively don’t talk to him… even when I want to.  I precious time out of my day wondering if I am trying to move too fast?  Do I talk too much? Does he ask too little?  Why haven’t we had sex yet?

How much of my upbringing and that one long, terrible relationship are screwing me up right now and how do I stop it?

I don’t know what I’m looking for here.  Could be advice. Could just be that I want to get this out of my head. I just know that I can’t get him out of mine, but am becoming more and more certain that I should.  Maybe relationships just aren’t good for me.  Maybe I need to wait another 2 years for another guy that will communicate to come along.

But, right now I don’t want to give up.