She’s gone – edited with a lot more details

Booker died at 12:45PM. Her liver was shutting down and almost non-functioning. By the time I got back to the vet’s, she was already slipping away. I allowed them to ease her passing. They gave her a sedation shot which almost worked. They had to give her a second injection to stop her heart. She went very quickly. I’m having her cremated. Then, when I have her ashes, I’ll take her and Maximus into the woods at my FIL’s place and I’ll bury them together. She’s missed him since the day he died. It’ll be 6 years in September since he died. I hope that they are together now. I know it’s morbid, but I had my camera in my purse. Before she died, I took some pictures of her and a short video. It was our last time alone. I just wanted one last picture of her before she left.

I am very sad. We’ve had her for almost 9 years. It would have been 9 years in November.

Well, now that I’ve cried myself out a bit, I can discuss some details. The following is why we chose to have Booker euthanized. Booker’s liver was shutting down. The liver does have a remarkable ability to heal itself. However, in Booker’s case, it would have meant 6 to 8 weeks of force feeding her through a permanant feeding tube. During that time, we would have been offering her food to see if her appetite has returned. Force feeding a cat is a difficult process. Especially one like Booker. She was extremely strong willed and just plain stubborn. It would have been torture for her. And a very long 6 to 8 weeks for us. However, we were prepared to try. We didn’t even bother though. Booker’s bilirubin (or however you spell it) was obscenely high. The normal for a feline her size is 0.3. Cats who "come back" after the force feeding treatment usually have a number anywhere from 0.5 to 2. Booker’s number was 5. She probably would not have survived the force feeding. Booker had also lost about 3 pounds (down to just 5.1 this morning) since January. Booker never showed ANY signs of being sick. We thought the thinness was due to her becoming a senior (she was 9 after all). She had no other signs of sickness until last night when we had problems getting her out from under the bed. The cost of the force feeding treatment was $1,000 to $1,500. Not really a factor as we would have figured SOMETHING out, but it’s nice to know how much it would have cost.

When I got to the vet’s this afternoon, she was happy to see me. I loved on her a bit. I told her that I was going to send her to see Max. He was her best friend. I said that where she was going she’d have plenty of outside time, lots of bugs and mice to chase, dogs to torment and LOADS of cat lovers just waiting for her to sit on them. She would be the Queen of all the She sees and that which She didn’t with Max at her side. She seemed to like hearing Max’s name. She was so lethargic though, she really just wanted me to scratch her ears for a bit. She purred until the end. Even when they gave her the first calming shot (the kind they give when the vets clean teeth). She still had a rumble going. Her passing was very quick after the second shot. Dr. B said that some cats bodies will fight the anesthetic overdose and keep working for up to 2 minutes. Booker was gone within 10 seconds. She was done. Her body couldn’t help her anymore.

I cried really hard, but silently at the vet’s office. I was able to stay in the room with her body for a bit. I nuzzled it for a while still on the table, but the feeling changed. I knew she’d left. Her energy or spirit or soul or whatever had left the room after a couple of minutes. She had no unfinished business. Then, I pulled myself together because I could hear children in the waiting room. They didn’t need to see me completely wrecked. I paid (even though they said I could take care of it when Booker’s ashes came back) and then I left. Thank goodness my house is just a couple of blocks from the vet’s. I made it home. I held it together for about 15 minutes because the kids were home with Nathan today. Then, I went upstairs to "take a nap" and went to pieces for about 30 minutes. I came downstairs and wrote the above entry. Then, I just tried my best to hold it together for the boys for the evening. Though, I’ve been very melancholy. I know Booker is better off. I KNOW IT. It’s just that I’m going to miss that bossy little cat.