Reasons

There are several reasons for sad state of well-being. I’m not well. I’m stressed. I’m sick. And I’m just losing it. Below is an email I sent to my hubby as an example as to why I’m going crazy.

The players:
Mom – This one is obvious. It’s my mother.
Heather – My older sister, mother to Tesia. She’s a single mom.
Tesia – My almost 3 year old niece.
Kat – My twin sister.
You – My husband, Nathan
Jeremy – My little brother

So, Heather and Mom got into it last night. Heather didn’t pick up Tesia until 9:30ish. And they just got into a fight about how nobody has had a night off this week. That Heather at least gets paid overtime for working overtime, but we (yes, my mom included me in this fight) just get inconvenienced. That you and I have our own children to raise and my mom is tired of raising Tesia. That if she was going to keep having Tesia, she wanted custody of her. Basically that Heather just needs to find and pay an actual babysitter instead of using her family like this. Because we all work full time jobs too and then come home to our own lives that are completely disrupted because of Heather and Tesia. And then Heather storms out of my mom’s house yelling at my mom and then drives off in the Jeep which pisses my mom off even more because the Jeep is my mom’s car. Heather was yelling that she wasn’t going to go to the after-tax party tonight and that she was sorry she wanted to go out and have a celebration with her coworkers that tax season is over.

This is all from my mom’s story. Heather hasn’t called or emailed me yet today. My mom doesn’t know if Heather will be there to pick up Tesia or not. I suppose that either Heather will call or email me to ask if we’ll pick up Tesia.

I don’t know what to do. I tried to tell my mom that she was contradicting herself too. Saying that she was tired of watching Tesia while Heather goes to school, but that Heather shouldn’t quit school because it’s a good program and will be better in the long run for her and Tesia. And that the program was only for another 18 months (which is a freaking ETERNITY to me in reality).

GAHHHHHHHH!

I know why Kat doesn’t want to move back. I do. Because then she’d be stuck in the middle all the time too. What am I supposed to do with this mess? This is effing ridiculous.

Seriously. I’m just waiting for the email or phone call from Heather. For some reason, I’m the dumping ground for them. My mom wants me to take her side because she knows I’m tired of watching Tesia too. Heather will want me to take her side because she knows that I know that school is only for 18 more months and will be better for her and Tesia in the long run.

What neither understands or wants to hear is that I don’t want to and will not side with either of them. I’m sick to death of watching Tesia. If I have an ulcer, it’s partly because of her. She has no self control and yells almost constantly. Which in turn makes me yell at her almost constantly. But, I am also sick to death of my older sister not feeling like she can provide for Tesia. I know if she finishes this degree, it will REALLY open doors for her. That she should be able to make plenty of money to survive. She makes dumb decisions with her money now, but hopefully learning to be an accountant with an actual CPA will help her make better decisions. She’s mostly on the right track right now. I’m willing to put up with Tesia’s crap because I know that there will be an end to this mess in 18 months when Heather graduates.

What I want to say to Heather is this, "You have the experience in accounting needed to find a different job.  A local one. One that will NOT require you to work 80 hours a week or more during tax season. You could work for any company doing their Accounting and Payroll. This job would be a standard hours job that pays well and would have normal hours. You would still be able to go to school and spend time with your daughter. Your daughter NEEDS you. Shee needs consistancy and direction. She needs discipline. She needs it from the same source every time. And that source needs to be you – her MOTHER. Suck it up and find a job that better fits your situation. Next tax season, I am NOT watching your daughter on Saturdays or during the week. I will watch her on your school nights only. If you need to work late for tax season, you must hire an actual babysitter for your daughter. You are alienating your mother, brother and sister by having us watch your child constantly. We all work full time. I have my own children to raise. Jeremy would like to have a life. And Mom has already raised 4 children ON HER OWN without nearly as much drama as you seem to have. Stop using the ‘I’m a single mom with no help’ line as a crutch and excuse. Mom was single and there are FOUR of us. She survived and went to school too. Mom hired babysitters when we weren’t available to watch Jeremy. Mom had no money either. So just stop the crap."

What I want to say to my mother is this, "You yourself said that it was a stupid idea for Heather to quit school. That the program was great and would be great for her and Tesia in the long run. Because of this, you need to share the responsibility of helping Heather watch Tesia at least once a week or help her find an appropriate babysitter. You need to stop holding in all your anger and then exploding out once every three months at Heather when you can’t take any more. It is not helping your relationship, your health, or your life. You love Tesia. You want what’s best for her. That does NOT mean having a screaming match at 9:30PM with her mother right in front of her. It’s abusive and damaging."

What I want to say to them together is this, "Stop dragging me into your fights and dramas. I’ve made my decisions. I’m living with them. I love you both but you’re slowly killing me. I have stomach issues. I can’t eat without it causing me sharp stabbing pains. I’m going crazy in my own head. I haven’t been able to write ANYTHING constructive in MONTHS because the only thing that comes into my head is family drama. You’re hurting my marriage. I’m chronically depressed and untouchable. I love my husband desperately but can’t bring myself to sleep with him because I just CAN’T. And it’s not because of me. I want him. I love him. I just don’t want to be touched by anybody. You’re killing my relationship with my boys. They are constantly afraid that I’m going to yell at them because that seems to be all I can do lately. Kenny has taken to holding his hands over his ears whenever I call one of their names. Do you know how much that HURTS me? I don’t think you do. I’m damaging my family because of YOU TWO. I’ve honestly talked with Nathan openly about selling our house and moving away because of you two. Away from my family. Away from his family. From those that I love so that I won’t have to be in between all your drama. So that I can be happy again. They’re going to put me on anti-depressants because of YOU. I can’t handle the stress anymore. I’ve reached my breaking point and it’s not myfault, it’s yours. You can’t live with your decisions so you must make everyone around you regret theirs. I’ve chosen my path and I want to be happy in it. I know I CAN be happy in it, but you two make it nearly impossible. Stop it. Just stop."

I don’t feel any better after writing that. Not at all. I thought that I would, but I don’t. I don’t feel any worse. If I told my family this stuff, it would just make matters worse. Honestly. It’s just the way my family is. Maybe Nathan and I should just move away.