Long time, no write

This entry has the propensity to be all over the place. Sorry about that.

I have a Twitchy Eye of DOOOOOM! Seriously. It’s driving me crazy. It’s my right eye and both the top AND bottom lids are twitching. The bottom lid is twitching so violently, that I can feel it pulling muscles on my nose. It’s exceptionally irritating. I’m actually considering taking the afternoon off so I don’t kill anybody as a result of irritation.
 
Sometimes, I feel like I’m half a step behind everybody else. I see other people achieving their goals and it seems so effortless to them, while it seems to take me ages. I hear other people talk and they sound so educated and smart. Then I open my mouth and I sound like an uneducated moron; as if I only glaze the surface of a topic, but never know what is really going on. I know that I am smart. I just feel awkward and slow most of the time. I don’t think I’ve ever truly “held my own” in a conversation that requires some sort of knowledge. I feel the world just sweeping me along in its currents and I am unable to hold any ground.
 
I hate reading on this site. I do. It makes my self-esteem take a nosedive into the deepest pits of Tartarus. I see how well other people write, and I just want to cry. Why can’t I write like that? I try to write everyday, but nothing comes. And what does come is absolute crap. I am horrible at describing things in a way to make them interesting. I want to be a successful writer, but I don’t know if it will ever happen for me.
 
I really hate the winter. HATE HATE HATE. I know that’s a strong word to use. It’s a horrible word. But, it is apt in this situation.
 
I colored my hair Friday night. It’s a bit darker than I wanted, but it’ll do. At least the grays aren’t showing anymore. Evan came downstairs on Saturday morning and said, “Your hair is black.” I agreed nodding to him. He then said sweetly, “I like your hair. It’s princess hair.” I replied, “Yes, it is! It’s just like princess hair.” I laughed a bit at his imagination. And then he surprised me with, “You’re pretty, Mom.” He said it with such honesty and sweetness that I almost started to cry. Instead, I grabbed him up, hugged him close and said, “Aww, thank you, Sweetie. That’s a very nice thing to say.” He smiled hugely at me and asked, “Did I make your heart happy?” I gave him an extra squeeze before putting him down and saying, “Yes you did. Now go eat breakfast. I got you donuts.” I swatted his little bum as he ran to the table excited over the donuts. I’m in trouble with that kid. If he stays that sweet and honest and he retains the long lashes and dark blue eyes, he’s going to be a lady’s man. Nobody will be able to refuse him. He’s too innocent and sweet. At least, that’s what he wants everybody to think. Sigh.
 
The company sales dinner is this weekend. I’ve got a dress and shoes and a little sweater. I hope I’m at a good table this year. Last year kind of stunk. We were the last to get our food. Everybody else was getting their desserts when we were just getting the main course. And the food was cold. I didn’t really know anybody at my table last year either. Hopefully, there will be at least one person that I know/like at my table this year. It will be a nice night out though. Just me and Nathan dressed up and having a good time. There will be wine and good appetizers. And the desserts are usually pretty good as well. Last year it was this chocolate gnash thing that was AMAZING.
 
The editing of my current book is coming along. It’s not coming along well, but it is coming along. I have a couple of friends reading it and giving me suggestions and corrections. It is clear to me that there is a lot of work on it yet. But it’s work that I can handle. I have been pleasantly surprised while reading it. Certain sections that I didn’t like while writing it and thought were probably complete crap have turned out to be not too bad. Then, other sections that I liked while writing it turned out to be crap. It’s odd. If any of my favorites would like to read the initial unedited version, let me know and I’ll add you to the “friends” list on the other diary where I posted it. No pressure. No hard feelings if you don’t. I just feel the more critiques I get before submitting it to agents, the better. I want it to be as close to done as possible before I send it off to professionals.
 
In other book news, I’ve found an agency that handles children’s books. I like their website quite a bit. And, they work with “first time” authors. I’m trying to get up the courage to pitch a Children’s book to them. The book would be either one or all of my “ABC” poems/stories. They’re website said that they’d even hire an artist for me if they like my idea. I’m nervous. I first started writing those poems in high school. I have about 15 of them that I think are publish worthy. The very first one is my favorite (The Farmer and the Cow). I think that if I can get that published, it would be just as much of a triumph as getting my big book published. Still. I have to get up the courage to submit it.
 
Courage is not something I havein buckets to use. I scrimp and save it. Hoard it away until I have to use it. Something will push me over the edge and I’ll use an entire bucketful all at once. My writing is a part of me. It’s like having an extra limb. If it gets cut, it hurts me all over. The wound will heal, but sometimes there is a scar. The limb will function again, but I might not be as willing to use it.