Glee

"Glee" this evening was poignant for me. 5 minutes into the show and I’m balling. It just brought up so much pain that I REALLY didn’t want to deal with this evening.

The way Kurt’s (~tangent~ I can never tell if it’s Kirk or Kurt and I’m too lazy to check right now) dad was hospitalized after they had had an argument.

The way Kurt feels about God.

It’s all the same.

It made me feel exactly like I did when I was 14 and my grandfather died. My last words to him weren’t an argument, but it wasn’t  "I love you" either. And then, understanding completely the way Kurt feels about God and people praying for his father. I’ve felt that before. I’ve BEEN there. I’m also to the point now where I’m "to each their own" and if praying for me helps YOU to feel like you’re doing something, then I’m all for it.

And then when he was singing his song "I want to hold your hand" I lost it. I just lost it. If I could just do that one more time. Hold his hand. I just . . . 

He’s the only father I ever had.

I’m as sad today as I was 18 years ago. It feels like it just happened. I look at my boys and know that he would have loved them so much (BOYS! I broke the "curse!"). And they’ll never really know him. I don’t think I ever really knew him.

And then Kurt told his dad that their relationship was sacred. That’s what he believed in. He believed in THEM a family. What a wonderful way to end the show tonight. If Kurt had had a religious "rebirth" it would have been very trite and hollow. He stayed true to himself and his beliefs. To me, that’s the bravest thing a person can do. My grandfather would have wanted the same thing from me. 

I wish my grandfather had squeezed my hand and woken up. I wish we’d had the happy ending.