The Shadow Work Journal Exercises: Fill in the Blank Exercises
Part 1 Fill in the blank (pg. 34-35):
I always feel like I’m the weird/intense/annoying/different one. Isolating/Doomscrolling/Playing Games/Keeping myself busy mentally by all costs is how I manage to escape. Games/Books/Crafts/Traveling/Being Outdoors/Talking to trusted friends brings me peace. I am so tired of indifference, injustice, and normalcy bias but excited about potential revolution and positive social changes. I want to try to learn how to do Michelin Star restaurant tricks so that I can finally feel capable of accomplishing something difficult while also impressing other people. For some reason, I always end up not following through on things I set out to do for fear of failure. I deserve to give myself space to fail and grow and I deserve to be kind to myself while I’m learning and evolving.
Reflection Questions:
Why am I sometimes seduced into a victim mentality?
This is a really broad question, and I think this is extremely variable based on different situations. I don’t really feel “seduced” into a victim mentality as much as sometimes it was an knee-jerk reaction when I felt I was being harmed by people throughout life. It felt protective/instinctive, like a shield of some sort. But again, depending on the situation, there were times when I actually was a victim of harm and times when I feel like others were the victim of my harm. But like, it all depends on context, this is a little too broad without any kind of context. The best I can come up with is that I feel like I adopt a victim mentality when I feel threatened by someone else.
What systematic self-improvement techniques can I use to replace my victim mentality into a more empowering belief about myself or the situation?
Standing up for myself more, by not allowing myself to feel helpless by other people’s harm, but rather to fight back. To not get trapped into mental spirals that hold me back, but to try to work out problems in real time, and reflect later on how things played out.
What kind of thinking do I need to adopt in order to step outside of my limiting beliefs and focus on what excites me?
I kind of just need to do things, and not predict the ending more. Like, to not go into something thinking that I will automatically fail. I need to go into things with a neutral, clean slate and maybe I can actually do something and accomplish things. I think my mind can hold me back significantly, and the fear of failure can prevent me from accomplishing something that I might actually succeed at. And I think that failure is not actually a bad thing, or the end all be all. It’s just something that happens sometimes, and the more I keep trying and working on something be it a hobby or personal self-growth, the better I’ll get at those things.
Part 2 Fill in the Blank (pg. 36-37):
As a child, I was told not to cry/act out/argue. This made me very sad/angry/repressed/helpless. I feel like things would be different if I were allowed to feel the full spectrum of my emotions and feelings and had better guidance navigating the complexity of them. I wish I could tell my child self that there was nothing wrong with her and that her feelings and (most) actions were valid. I am so grateful for the many lessons that I have learned throughout my adulthood and the guidance I’ve received along the way but wish my guardians would have listened to me and learned how to adjust their parenting to fit the kind of child I was.
Reflection Questions:
What memories did I extract from this exercise?
My mom and aunt were very emotionally distant people. I felt like if I ever had big or complex feelings, I would act out in certain ways. I would be sad and cry, or I would lash out, or I would get argumentative. But I feel like my feelings were valid based on the situations. I feel like if my parents listened more and allowed me to feel what I felt (within reason, I do think sometimes I went too far), and didn’t yell at me or punish me for having valid reactions to my feelings, I would have been a lot more emotionally balanced in young adulthood. They were also very controlling, helicopter parents, and didn’t allow me to do a lot of things that my peers were allowed to do. Again, within reason, I feel like they should have relaxed a lot more and let me experience life for myself and have more decision-making autonomy. I wish they didn’t make me feel like I would fail at everything, because that started the fear of failure to begin with. Like why bother trying this new thing, I’m just going to fuck it up.
How can I reframe these memories so that they don’t continue to hurt and hinder me in the future?
This is difficult, because many of these memories do still hurt and hinder me to this day. It’s been very hard to separate myself from the harm they caused because the trauma runs so deep, like roots beneath the surface. And it happened so early in my development and it kind of set a pattern and precedent for the rest of my life. However, when I become aware of these past traumatic recurrences when they pop up in my current life, I try to dispel them and challenge the negative thoughts and kind of push through some discomfort and pain to accomplish something I was sure I couldn’t do and continue to heal and grow.
How can I regularly serve myself with compassionate consolation, as I would give to my child self?
I was diagnosed with ADHD from a young age. After looking back in my online diary since 2001, I was disciplined often for not only things that were normal for a young person to do (like forgetting something), it was also not recognized that it was also a part of having ADHD. I feel like whenever I forget something or get distracted and get off course, to just be gentle with myself and to find ways to make it easier to remember things or stay focused. I want to give myself space and room to just be a human, and make mistakes, and forget things. I do have a disorder, and it actually can be disabling sometimes. But even if I didn’t have (Au)DHD, people forget things and they deserve not to be yelled at for it. So, to myself, or my child self, in those situations, I would be more like, “It’s okay, we all forget stuff sometimes, it’s just a part of being human! There’s a lot going on, it’s impossible to remember everything all the time!” I just think showing kindness and forgiveness to myself would make all the difference.
Part 3 Fill in the Blank (pg. 38-39):
Being criminalized for simply existing while disabled/different and the rise of fascism scares me the most. When I become scared or anxious, I tend to catastrophize/shut down/panic/overthink/overcorrect. It sometimes sucks because I can become paralyzed by the anxiety and make a lot of mistakes and this makes me feel helpless. My anxiety teaches me that it is very easy to slip into a spiral and very difficult to think clearly and stay balanced in stressful times. I understand that I am still recovering from complex trauma but I love myself unconditionally.
Reflection Questions:
What is my current fear and if it were to happen, what would be the best-case scenario?
I am fearful that with the rise of fascism and the rollback of a lot of previously sound law precedents, a lot pertaining to civil rights, that ugly laws will come back. And being disabled and immunocompromised, I worry that it will start to become illegal for me to protect my fragile health. I’m afraid it will start being illegal for not being able to make eye contact with people, because it distracts me from the thoughts I want to express. Like, that it will start making me seem guilty, when really it just helps me articulate myself better. It’s a common autistic/neurodivergent trait and I am scared of being at the wrong place at the wrong time and someone would report me for just trying to exist as myself. The only best case scenario that I can imagine is revolution on a large scale, but realistically I don’t see that happening.
If my fears and anxieties were teachers, what lessons would they teach me?
They aren’t always a bad thing, sometimes they keep us safe from actual harm, or keep us vigilant and aware of danger. Sometimes the anxiety is talking to us and telling us something important is happening. But sometimes they can paralyze us into inaction. It’s important to know when the fears and anxieties are holding you back instead of encouraging you to act.
How can I build a more positive outlook on an unknown future?
Honestly, all I feel like I can do and have been doing is just to take things one day at a time, and plan ahead for what I can, and maybe try to make some plans ahead of time for worst case scenarios. But in terms of having a positive outlook, there isn’t really much to be positive about anymore, and that’s just the cost of living in current reality.
Part 4 Fill in the Blank (pg. 40-41):
Being in public in large crowds with lots of loud crosstalk makes me tense. I typically feel this tense sensation in my chest, shoulders, arms and fists. This makes me very cautious of my surroundings and keeps me on high alert. When this happens, I start to disassociate or zone out. I think it’s because I’m socially anxious, afraid of being perceived by others, and get overstimulated easily by a lot of different conversations happening at once. Next time I feel tense, I will soothe myself by removing myself from the situation (if the situation allows) or otherwise just try to keep myself distracted from the anxiety.
Reflection Questions:
When does my anxiety take over my mind and body? Do I see a common recurring theme as to what triggers my anxiety?
The anxiety happens when I’m around other people. I’ve never been very good socially. I never belong. The recurring theme is that I don’t enjoy being around other people. If I can avoid it, I will. Anxiety will also come up when things are happening that are important or dangerous, but I have little control over. Helplessness and lack of control is a trigger.
What can I physically do to release my anxious energy and tension?
Unsure, nothing I’ve done physically has ever seem to work.
What thoughts help soothe my anxiety? How can I improve my self-talk to be less self-critical when these emotions arise?
The thought of doing something else more enjoyable or time when I can be by myself again. I don’t know how to improve those things, because they feel like the truth. I feel it is better to address the truth than to talk myself out of it only to be disappointed again.
Part 5 Fill in the Blanks (pg. 42-43):
As I child I was reprimanded for too many things that were normal behaviors for a child or teen. My response was to fight back verbally and sometimes to fawn to avoid worse punishments. After this, I’ve always been afraid to 100% be myself; I’ve always felt insecure. I care so much about trying to be true to myself. It triggers me now when I have to make any kind of impression because I keep double guessing if I’m enough. I now hold a compassionate space for my full self and embrace this part of me (not yet, I’m still very angry this was my reality for so long and the deep wounds that this caused at the hands of my parents still makes me bitter to this day).
Reflection Questions:
In what ways have I been reprimanded in my childhood and beyond?
There are far too many ways I was reprimanded, but many of the instances are documented in the early entries of this journal (please excuse the cringeyness of my youth if you dare…I promise the majority of my toxicity came from my parents example). While I do think some of my behavior did warrant punishment or correction, the vast majority of what I was punished or yelled at for was normal kid or teen stuff. I once got reprimanded for spending time with friends on other teams at a swim meet once. Swim meets were the only time I could see and converse with people. My aunt yelled at me in front of the entire facility, loudly, to only stay with my team (but I was friends and pen pals with many of these other people and had been looking forward to seeing them). That trauma will probably follow me until I die.
How did this impact what I chose to do/not to do in the present moment? In what ways am I holding back because of these experiences?
A lot of the times I still rebelled…I knew a lot of what I was doing was normal and fine and just let my parents stew over it. But there were many other times I hesitated, for fear of severe reaction from my parents. I think some of that reservation has stayed with me even in adulthood and out of their immediate control. I feel like I often hold back because I know nothing else…it’s the only way I ever knew. And trying any other choice (even if the healthier choice) feels incredibly unnatural and scary sometimes. I just think I have a hard time trusting myself and others, there’s too many unknown factors in any given situation I’m put in, so I often freeze now and just find ways to escape dealing with anything important.
What activities can I partake in to fuel my inner child and allow them to feel fully expressive?
Sidewalk chalk? Walking close to a creek. Start journaling more like I used to. Trying more kitchen tricks. Try to start feeling more comfortable in my own skin (easier said than done). Find a pen pal (snail mail style). Sing again. Dance more even if I’m bad at it hah.
Part 6 Fill in the Blank (pg 44-45):
As I grow older, I feel like the optimistic part of me becomes further and further away. I feel empty towards this. Sometimes I put myself in a box by assuming I will never feel true happiness again. I understand that I am ever-changing and evolving each day. One way I can foster my child-self is by forgiving who I once was and parent myself the way I wish I was parented growing up. I will always recognize the vibrant and vivacious part of me and show that version of myself love and recognition.
Reflection Questions:
What do I admire about my past self that I wish I could continue to foster more in the present day?
Being a lot more brave to just be. I wasn’t afraid to just take up space and say what was on my mind and I just kept going like yesterday didn’t hurt me. Now I just feel like I hesitate so much more. I’m so much more quiet. I feel afraid to take up space, I feel that I’m not allowed to take up space. And while I guess it’s a good thing to have pause before just saying anything on my mind, even when I sit and think about things and try to triangulate exactly how I feel about something, I still have a hard time allowing myself to speak that. It’s all just kept to myself or only spoken to with my spouse and a few close friends.
When/Where do I find myself hiding parts of my personality in order to fit the mold?
I don’t talk hardly at all on any forms of social media. I used to post any and everything, and while I’m glad I don’t do that anymore, I think I’m experiencing the very opposite extreme now – not knowing when to speak up so I just don’t at all. And I mean, this question is basically the summary of what it is to mask as an autistic/neurodivergent person. I feel like I have to hide myself around neurotypical people, people that just wouldn’t get the complex things that I feel about almost everything. And even when I try to mask, I don’t do it well. So it’s easier to just not really talk at all, let other people guide the conversation and maybe only speak up if I feel like I really have something good to add. I just usually feel like I can’t be myself, sometimes even around other AuDHD/neurodivergent people. Sometimes I feel like everyone is just on their own island and it’s hard for me to fit in anywhere because everyone is just so established with their own universes. Anyways…long winded way of saying that…I used to try to fit into everyone else’s mold, failed at it, got too scared to keep trying for fear of failing over and over, and now even have a hard time speaking up online anonymously.
What do I think will happen if I were to be my full self during these instances?
I would have no friends, they would have all abandoned me sooner. Maybe I would find a few similar minded people along the way, but probably very few. Would probably fail more than succeed. Would probably feel worse than I already do now, which is saying something.