Shadow Work Journal Exercise: Jealousy

Who are you jealous of? What desires lie behind your jealousy? How often do you feel jealousy?

Jealousy has taken many different forms in my life. There were times I had convinced myself that I didn’t possess jealousy, but then it came a runnin’ from my subconscious when any particular circumstance felt threatening. I was good at even gaslighting myself, apparently.

I think in my earlier years, I had the more textbook jealousy. If I sensed anyone was sniffing around my turf (being friends or a person I was dating), I stepped in very conspicuously but tried to smooth my actions over by explaining that I was just being protective.

The most common thing I did was to create jealousy when it wasn’t even there. I did the very manipulative thing of assuming that someone I was dating was cheating on me when there was no such evidence. I had such low self esteem for myself, I assumed no one actually wanted to be with me and would get bored of me quickly, so I felt I had to create drama to make sure anyone I dated was committed. It went as well as you would think it would – it didn’t. A lot of the time it planted a seed in their head and then they actually did cheat. But then that made me feel more vindicated that everyone would always cheat and leave. I would also be lying to say I didn’t cheat on boyfriends, but when confronted I would feign ignorance about it. So for those keeping score: I assumed other people were cheating on me when they weren’t, and then I cheated on partners but lied about it. Yes, I was a truly terrible person at one time. The guilt often lingers over me to this day about it.

This is when the plot thickens. I discovered polyamory. If I could put red flashing lights and a siren up around any particular past scene of my life and warn my past self not to do something, it would be the moment I questioned if I was poly. I hopped from relationship to relationship all the time, why couldn’t I just date several at once, ethically and openly? My conscience could be cleared because I could just admit that I wanted to date more than one person at the same time and not lie and sneak around about it.

For anyone who is new to poly, it is always bigger adjustment than people imagine in their heads. Many people just think, “Oh, this means I just get to date whoever and just let my primary partner know when I’m going places and doing things.” The real problem about the time that I dabbled in polyamory was that I was nowhere near emotionally mature yet to handle even one relationship, let alone several.

Relationships at the time were bandaids for my inner voids. I was not ready to face my demons, they were too burdensome and heavy. I wanted to feel NRE 24/7 and make out with people all day. I wanted to lose myself in other people, and I felt like poly was simply a fast track for getting all my dopamine/serotonin hits regularly.

So, as many people that first enter polyamory, I sucked at it. I hurt a lot of people in the process. But it was to be expected since I didn’t communicate well, and steamrolled over everyone. I got what I wanted, I didn’t care if others didn’t get what they wanted. That became a vicious cycle for much longer than it had to be, but I was apparently a glutton for punishment. It was all I knew my whole life; the cycles of dysfunction.

I digress. How does jealousy fit in with poly? Doesn’t it seem like the mere concept of poly is the opposite of jealousy? Yes and no. When people do polyamory right, they learn how to suppress any toxic jealousy and learn that loving others doesn’t take away from loving you. The relationships are separate entities. However, jealousy does still come up sometimes in polyamorous relationships. Another healthy route to addressing jealousy is really good communications and setting boundaries and making compromises that will work for everyone involved. Some people (like me) worry that if they let a partner go off and have fun with someone else, that they might eventually leave for the other person because they have everything that you can’t offer. Sometimes the uncertainty breaks you. Which leads to acting out and outbursts, if you were emotionally immature like me.

Navigating poly at the very beginning brought on some of the most traumatizing experiences of my life, only second to the trauma I experienced under my parents. I fucked up often. I crossed other people’s boundaries. Continuing from one of my last entries about “putting myself last” this was definitely one of those times where I was solidly putting myself first. I hurt people. There were many arguments. Instead of sitting with the feelings and letting them sink in and teach me something, I let them pound me into a pulp. I started to think I was a monster who could never change. That I was permanently broken. The worst part was, it didn’t quell my thirst for connection through relationships. If anything, it fueled it. I had to keep the pain deeply suppressed, lest I spiral into a black hole I was afraid I couldn’t escape from. Continuing on while learning nothing kept ending in the same disastrous ways, but like I said previously, I didn’t know anything else. I was stuck in this loop and felt like I didn’t have an exit from it.

With time, I gave poly a rest for a while. I had too many failed attempts at connection. I was often used for flings and then tossed aside for the next. Somewhere around this time, I actually did shed myself of  jealousy completely. I don’t remember specifically what the transition was like or when it happened, but I did learn how to cope with the idea of someone I loved, loving someone else and also me at the same time. Without drama. It was a huge tectonic shift.

What makes me jealous now? Usually it’s moreso about looks, or glowing personalities. When I was younger I was more conventionally attractive, but now I am 37, which isn’t OLD so don’t come for me. But I started to age quicker than most other people around me and I definitely don’t consider myself conventionally attractive anymore without a lot of effort in fancying myself up. I get jealous of people with magnetic personalities, because my past life experiences beat all the positivity out of me. I didn’t know how to look on the bright side anymore, and I didn’t know how to lie through my teeth about how I felt about any given thing. Part of that is just neurodivergence, I don’t know how to sugarcoat or lie or put on an act, I just say what I think and feel literally, and everyone is put off by it. So when I see people that can effortlessly socialize and mingle and talk to people and be the life of the party, I do still get tiny tinges of jealousy. I think in the end, I just want to fit in and feel pretty again.

Other than that, I feel like jealousy takes up too much time and energy that I don’t want to waste anymore. I think I eventually learned that jealousy doesn’t always serve a justified purpose. It is usually rooted in the belief that the people we love become our property. That we own people and that they aren’t allowed to occasionally daydream. It just felt restrictive somehow. I think the more I started to let go of jealousy, the more I loosened up about other things that I had a stick up my butt about. I unclenched and started to relax more.

Once I did finally face my demons and start the healing work (that I’m obviously still doing now, to keep on top of it), I finally met my perfect partner. And we learned how to communicate effectively. And I realized I wasn’t filling a void anymore, I was just sharing my life with someone else who had a complex upbringing as well. I feel appreciated, loved, valued, and emotionally satisfied. I strive to make my partner feel the same in return. It was a metamorphosis of sorts, an awakening. Finally a break in my old toxic patterns and I started getting used to what healthy looked like.

I hardly remember jealousy anymore. It is now a distant memory.