My Thoughts as of Recently…

I’ve been noticing changes in my personality…and they aren’t subtle…they are massive changes from even a year ago. Lately, I’ve been really really eager and ready to fight with people…over very silly things. And later on, I realize they were silly things, but in the heat of the moment, I argue with people. People just hit the wrong button, and I flip out. I never used to be this way, but after thinking about it a while, I think I have figured out a little about why I am so irritated all the time now…

You see, in the past I was good with people. I was outgoing, it was easy for me to make friends, especially being a swimmer and everything. I was at the Natatorium yesterday, remembering swim meets I swam at there where it was completely crowded….different teams scattered everywhere…all the lanes packed jammed at warm-ups, how loud it was when an event was going on….I could just visualize it. And I remembered how easy it was for me to make a new friend. Before I had e-mail, I was getting people’s address so I could write to them…I had probably over a dozen pen pals. My parents would even get mad at me for not spending enough time around my own teammates. I always had so much fun at swim meets…to meet new people and then meet even more people on their team. Now, I just don’t quite feel the same…

Don’t get me wrong, I still have a wide variety of friends, but I’ve just felt like a bad friend lately. Not even in the sense of being neglectful…I’m just not very nice to certain friends…almost to the point where I wonder to myself if I even need these friends. But, when I come to my senses, I’m like, "Yes, I want to keep these friends." For examply, my friends might mention something that I find is a threat to my beliefs, regarding politics or just the way I live my life. I’ll just get really defensive and automatically think from the start that I am right, and that my friend’s are just being dumbasses. Mike seems to think that my problem is that I’m not very good at listening, and I’m not very tactful in picking fights. Which I agree on. But I think that is the reason why I’ve been changing lately. I have a hard time coping with people that believe in something different than I do.

Not to say that I discriminate people…because if that were the case, I wouldn’t have the friends that I do. There is some part of me that likes my friends and likes to be in their company. My problem is that when talking about controversial issues, I think I feel the need to sit on my high horse and tell people that they are wrong…instead of hearing them out and maybe getting some new insight to a particular issue. I can only guess that the reason why I get this way is because of my parent’s strong influence on me.

It’s said that no matter what and no matter how hard you try to avoid it, you always end up a little something like one of your parents. In my case, this rings true. I am not going to put all the blame on them, because I do realize that I’ve been living outside their household for about 2 or 3 years now. I think part of it is merely because I don’t think before I say shit, and I don’t listen well enough. But I’ve been noticing lately that I’ve picked up a few of my parents bad habits…and arguing about stupid silly things was one of them. My parents were professionals at making up some bullshit story and trying to sell it as truth just to make a point. For example, when I decided I was going to move to Indy and transfer to IUPUI…my parents strongly argued that I would lose all my tuition breaks…my financial aid and my half-tion break because my mom works at IU Bloomington. For a while, I almost believed them…that’s how convincing they make it sound…but then you do a little research on the subject online, and you find out that the half-tuition applies to any of the IU campuses, and that my financial aid would not change. Even after presenting this information to them, it took them a good long time to actually believe it. But, they never really made any attempt to research and tell me I was wrong. They just insisted on pulling bullshit out their asses and presenting it to me as truth to argue their case. I’ve been noticing that I do that as well….take this controversial picture for example:

[img]http://img244.imageshack.us/img244/3977/gaspriceseb1.jpg[/img]

I posted this picture on my facebook…not to start any arguments, just to have it on file, because facebook is what I check most often, and I like having things on file…and not necessarily in "My Documents/My PIctures." Just wanted to post it there for something to reflect on, really. But, I guess that was a mistake, because then, a few of my supposed friends started linking me to all these new stories and links and just started getting really annoyed with me because I posted this picture because people thing that the raised gas prices are due to the fact that the oil isn’t going to hold out much longer…it’s becoming rare and new modes of transportation must be created. But I guess the way my friends took it was that Bush was to blame completely for the ever-rising gas prices. I guess my personal stance is that Bush is concentrating and spending too much money on things that are unnecessary, rather than investing on alternative fuels for when the gas and oil run out. I blame Bush for many things, but not necessarily the gas prices. But like I said, I just posted the picture to have it on file, but my friends decided to turn it into a big political battle, and I’ll just say now, I was a complete jerk to them. They were being rude to me, so once again, I sat on my high horse, and I began telling them that they were full of shit and were too conservative to notice how bad the economy is and that Bush is to blame because he is the one in charge, he let things get this bad….but I was like so convinced that I was right and that they were wrong. Mike on the other hand, joined in the conversation and was very understanding and calm and heard them out. That’s how I thought I used to be, and now I just get irrational and I think a lot of that just has to do with the example I was given growing up from my parents.

I was raised in a very liberal-minded atmosphere. Like, complete and total left wing liberal Democrats. Feminists and all that shit. My parents always proceeded to call anyone that was not liberal to be close-minded and ignorant. I realized after leaving their household how wrong this attitude was…and I stopped it for a brief time…but I guess now their influence has gotten the better of me, even after living apart from them for a while.

I need to try to find a way to control my emotions…to try not to get so offended so easily over silly things like politics. I feel like I need to stop making people feel bad about their life decisions as well, no matter what they be. I realize after the fact that I make mistakes…I’m so eager to act on the here and now, and in some situations that’s good, but not when it resorts to fighting and arguing. I need to get better at listening, at thinking ahead and trying to understand people instead of butting heads with them. It might take time, but I’m determined to try and be a better person than my parents.

Leave and Note and tell me what you think.

<p>Changes I’ve Noticed In Myself

PAST
NOW

Really outgoing
More shy than usual

Socially confident
Socially scared/awkward

Able to discuss political matters civilly
Getting irratated at people who don’t agree with me on political subjects

Decent listener
Not good at listening – argue with people over unrelated topics

Tactfully resolved conflicts/disagreements

Easily get into fights and arguments over conflicts or disagreements.