Creativity Storm and then Nothing

I will try to get back to some journal prompts again soon, but I had like a ton of creativity and all the things I wanted to say were clear and flowing, and then suddenly writer’s block again.

I’ve also just been feeling a lot of anxiety and depression, but hardly ever at the same time, it’s either one or the other, because I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for both.

I think when I did a lot of those past journal prompts I felt a wave of relief because it was a lot of stuff that had been built up inside of me for a long time but had a hard time expressing. I experience alexithymia often (when a person has difficulty experiencing, identifying, and expressing emotions) which is common with autistic people. But occasionally, and especially with the right kind of prompts or questions, it all kind of comes flowing out at once.

There was a scene in the show Jane the Virgin where she was on the bus and all of a sudden a wave of inspiration strikes and she has to write everything right in that moment. That’s what it’s like for me, like inspiration will strike me at a random place and I have to drop everything and just write what’s on my mind or I’ll lose it.

So, I guess I’m in another bout of writer’s block, and in my case, sometimes an emotional block. It’s always clouded by dark feelings that hold me back from expressing the full spectrum of how I actually feel about normal day to day things.

I think I also get fearful of letting things flow too much all at once, I guess. I think I’m trying to convince myself that it’s okay to want to do more private entries to not feel so exposed to other people who might not really understand my life the way I have experienced it firsthand. But part of me also wants to hear feedback and not feel like I have to keep everything to myself. I’m kind of stuck between the two options a lot of the time when it comes to online journaling. And yes, I know there is like…public entries with closed comments, but I just feel like at that point I might as well just private an entry. (this gives me an idea for a future entry, so I’m leaving a bookmark to this paragraph to refer back to)

I currently feel in a place where I can’t take on a lot of extra stress right now. I haven’t really talked a lot about it yet, but I am dealing with a lot of health issues, some of it was pre-‘vid era and some of it was worsened thanks to the ‘vid. I have been making huge efforts to try to live as healthily as is within my power. But I’ve realized a huge part of it is trying to keep my mental health at a maintainable level. Which is impossible all the times, but I will cut back where I’m able to with stress.

Anyways, I guess lately there’s been a lot of unavoidable stress, and that’s already been weighing on me. It usually makes me anxious first, and then after that’s worn off, it sinks into depression. So I’ve been in a funk the last few days or so and haven’t been able to find the motivation to keep doing more journal prompts. One of the next ones is about “dream life” and like…I think I’m depressed because I do have a very vivid dream life, but I just don’t think I will ever see it actualized, so then I feel like….what’s the point of dreaming, it will always be far out of reach. I could try to maybe keep the dreams within a reasonable reach, but then it would feel like…watered down? Like, it’s Dreams Lite™. I guess sometimes I want to feel like I can have all my dreams or none at all.

I was able to do some self care today, and yesterday I got a lot of my room cleaned which is major for me. I have executive dysfunction like a mofo and even though I want to accomplish something, my brain just won’t allow me to follow through with it. Even if I know that it will make me feel so much better to get it out of the way. Part of it is also because of physical disability, but the other part of it is definitely executive dysfunction. My room looks a lot better now, and I do feel accomplished for getting it out of the way finally. I had been cooking at home the last week or so, and making myself overnight oats/chia smoothies for the next day. I’m going to start trying to meal plan soon, but it’s usually just the shopping lists that are stressful of all things. I like the cooking and putting everything together but hate having to make sure I have everything, and trying not to get anything I don’t already have. Like, if I had some kind of kitchen inventory system, that’d be great, but that also takes time and effort I often don’t have.

I will say that kitchen organization is next on my “whenever you get another wave of motivation to get anything productive done” list. As well as deep bathroom and closet cleaning. Anyways, I think because of the stress I’ve been feeling lately, I’ve just been trying to lean into productivity. I try not to get it all done all at once so I don’t all of a sudden feel empty after. It’s good for me to pace myself to not burn out, but also to make sure there is always something else that needs doing too, so it doesn’t run out.

Anyways, I might try to do another journal prompt later or tomorrow if I run out of energy today. I have a little over a half month left of being able to write in this journal again (does anyone know if it’s free for like a month every new year? Because I know it was free like sometime last year when I wrote an entry, and now it’s free again a second time). I’m not going to pay to write in an online journal platform, so if anyone has any other free alternatives, I’m in the market for one (not live journal, I hate that trash site lol). But until my free trial is done, I will keep writing here because of the history that’s all documented in one place. I just have way too many other financial responsibilities, and yes I know it’s only $40, but I can think of so many other things that are more pressing than a yearly online journal that I very well could just forget about and drop off using again. I’d maybe pay it if I trusted I would actually keep up with it. Maybe on a different platform, I can put that to the test – how reliable I can be at keeping a regular journal again.

Til the next time, hope everyone is well or at the very least trying to be.