Bursting at the Seams with Stress

My free trial is almost up on this diary, I do fucking hate that my only choice is to pay for a membership for this diary that I’ve had for so long. I do understand it has to create revenue, but at that point, I would rather just have ads. I know other people would feel differently, that they are annoying and intrusive and all, but like…I don’t have extra money to spend, but I still find value in having these kinds of websites. And yes, I know there are others, and I plan to look into them so I can keep this up, it’s just annoying because my entire life documentary is basically here.

Anyways. I do have a lot on my mind. And I come here because I don’t really have a lot of outlets to talk to other people. I do have friends, but like, everyone is overwhelmed and carrying their own stress and everything, so I don’t always feel like I can just tell my friends everything every time I feel something come up. And if I do need to talk to them, I do ask first, and don’t just dump…that is something I have finally learned not to just do without checking in on the other person.

But that’s kind of why I like having this avenue, just writing all my thoughts out plainly and seeing if things come together and make sense. Or if they’re all just jarbled trains of thought that don’t meet at a common junction.

I won’t go into specific detail, but I will start by saying that I’m living in a different place than where I grew up. I don’t enjoy it here. I didn’t move here expecting greener pastures, I was already realistic about it. I had a lot of hesitation with the idea of moving here, but I ultimately moved here to be with my partner and I don’t regret doing that. The problem is mostly that I just can’t escape the environment, but I’m happy with the company. Realistically, I know there are no greener pastures, and if there are, you will pay out the nose to live there. And even then, you will pay out the nose and realize that every place anywhere has their disadvantages and shortcomings. In our particular case though, where we live is a nightmare and we desperately want out, and it’s just difficult to save enough to go elsewhere, but it’s also just that the job market is also hot garbage currently. Nowhere is hiring, and the job pools are super large because everyone is vying for the same prestigious positions. It’s just one layer of stress to the compounded stress that’s already happening in our day to day lives.

So, we wish we could move but we can’t. My partner’s job is stable and cozy but doesn’t pay enough for the rising costs of living. I am only able to work part time due to my health and disabilities. I cannot take on more than I do, it makes me crash every time. I already crash on my current schedule because I try to also cook and find time for crafty things, and I get PEM or post-exertional malaise. Like, after doing even minor activities, I have to rest or even sleep/nap. I slept for like 4 hours after making a fairly easy breakfast meal. I wasn’t doing well before the pandemic, but I’ve had Covid at least 3 times that I know of or suspect, and that made everything worse. I get frustrated with the collective denial of long Covid damage, but that’s a completely different tangent. Regardless of how other people’s denial manifests, I’m a living result of what it’s slowly doing to other people too. So yeah, I can only work part time, because working more would destroy me completely. I pace myself how I need to, and that’s just that.

But between the both of us together we’re struggling, and I would say that is like…the core of what causes everything else to spiral. Like, if we made more of a living wage, obviously it would be nice to have that, but we also both want to do good for other people too. I do care a lot about mutual aid, and I feel awful that I can’t give more to people that are struggling even more than we are. I’ve heard that the middle working class should be making roughly $200,000 to keep up with the rising inflation and cost of living and be financially stable otherwise, and hardly anyone is making anything close to that (on a large societal scale). We are being scammed so hard in this country. Again, I digress. I guess the main point here is that I wish we had wiggle room, that we had our needs met and that we could lend a hand to other people too. My partner and I both believe in the power of community care and lifting each other up.

THIS IS ONLY LIKE…A SMALL FRACTION OF THE CORE OF OUR SHARED STRESS. It’s like the root of it. I give people the stink eye if they ever dare to be like, “Money can’t buy you happiness.” because I literally believe that having more money would solve so many of people’s current problems. Like, to an extent I believe that you do have to find happiness outside of what money can buy, but money would solve so many immediate problems. And then people could focus on finding the other means of happiness, whatever that means to people individually. Okay, moving on, hopefully…

What also can add to stress is just…my partner and I both overthink constantly, but I’ve been realizing lately that my partner does this even more than I do and I thought that was difficult to match. My partner constantly underestimates their self, feels like they’re not doing enough (they absolutely are, they go above and beyond for people). They stress about every interaction they have with people, even familiar friends. It’s definitely like social anxiety, but to the extreme. And we are both alike in this, so I do understand it and where it comes from. Again, I just think it’s weird for me to have met someone that feels these things even more strongly and deeply than I do, because I thought I was extreme. But maybe it also feels like I have opportunities to tell my partner what I should be telling myself more, so I guess it’s kind of helpful to talk it through and walk through the mental processes, because then I have new things to tell myself when I get into anxiety spirals. Anyways, today we just kinda talked about a lot of different things that were eating at us. I like how we communicate, it feels so effortless.

We’re seeing one of my partner’s friends tomorrow, they went to school together and studied in the same program. I’m excited about it because I don’t get a lot of in-person interaction with people, being chronically ill and fatigued all the time. My partner on the other hand…they’re excited to see the person, but they aren’t at the same time, because interaction takes so much out of them. And I guess tying in everything I’ve already said, full circle, is just that the work week for both of us is exhausting, and then interacting with other people is exhausting, and all the work and effort is so we can barely scrape by and can only really afford our essentials and hardly anything extra (we do still treat ourselves when we’re able to, but it’s usually what makes everything so tight by the end of the month, because we are two people and we both need treats and it adds up fast). Okay, so yes, this is long winded and awkward tying it altogether, but I guess in trying to land the plane…the stress from just working and dealing with health issues and money issues makes it so hard to find space and room to just…enjoy other people or activities. By the end of the week, you’re just so exhausted, and you only have two days off and then you gotta start it all over again. The way we do things is just crushing our ability to live in the moment and enjoy anything, because we’re just trying to keep the wheel going. But then we just kinda keep doing the same things and the days blend together. I guess we just both feel in a rut that we feel like we don’t have an easy answer in getting out of, it’s just something we have to keep enduring for eternity.

And we have a cat, that we both love and adore to the moon and back. He is the joy of our every day lives. But, he has also been particularly needy, and while we do give him the attention when we’re able to, we do both have to work. We do work from home most of the time. And we have to do our jobs to be able to pay for everything he needs, including having some money tucked away for any emergencies and vet visits. We do take good care of him, he is far from neglected and uncared for. But, I worry about him not getting enough like direct attention from us, because we also need our space and time to reset for the work week. He is absolutely attached to me most of the day, and I automatically give him attention when he wants it from me, even if I’m working. I think I just overthink and worry if it’s enough. I just hate that there aren’t more hours in the day, or that the work week isn’t less, so we could spend more time playing with him and making sure he has the happiest life possible.

We’re just overwhelmed. And I feel very isolated, and while I do have social anxiety too there does come a point where I just need more social interaction and I feel like it’s hard to either line up with other people’s schedules, or my health gets in the way. I keep doing what I can to find little shreds of joy where I can, but I just feel like life is very crushing right now. We’re trying so hard and feel like we’re not getting very far and it’s eating at us and it’s very noticeable.

Just worried about my partner though…I feel like they think there is so much pressure on their shoulders. They’re doubting their self. And there’s only so much I can say and do to encourage them. I know they’re doing a great job. But it all circles back to money, because they feel like they put in the effort and it doesn’t amount to anything. So they feel if they don’t overperform and go above and beyond at all times, that they are lacking. And that’s not the case. I just wish I knew what more to do to make my partner feel confident and happy again. I wish I often didn’t feel part of the problem (with my health problems…but I have to quickly remind myself that I can’t help it and not be too hard on myself about my shortcomings).

All things said though, we do our best to find our own joys and happiness in just every day things. I think the wear and tear of the working for peanuts is just starting to get to us. And it’s affecting our relationships with other people, it’s just feeling like a chore to keep on top of it all. We’re tired of that feeling like a chore because we need the interaction, frankly. People do need each other, whether they think they do or not. We’re all connected and yet on individual islands, dealing with our own unique struggles. Just wish I had an immediate solution to the stress and struggles we face.

Anyways, I think that’s all my brain will allow me to process for now. I still have like a handful of days to add on to this if anything else comes up. Hoping the hang with the friend tomorrow goes well, I’m sure it will. Just hope my partner will be okay for it. Regardless, I’ll always be there to support and lift them up as needed.