There’s a river called that

I have been torn these past few months about how I fit into my ex’s life

He and I have been together off and on since 2005.  He’s an odd bird to be sure, but for whatever reason, we just kept going back to one another.  

I always knew when he was single, after we had broken up our numerous times, because he would randomly start texting me.  And here’s me, the eternal optimist, thinking that this time would be the time that we would stick it out.  Sadly that never really happened in any of the times we tried

The last time we were together was April of last year.  We had gone on a snow run with the jeep group and I had such a blast in the snow.  It was fun to be with the group again and spending time with E again in his element really was refreshing and honestly, quite sexy.

As we lay together that night in his parents trailer, I told him how I felt about how when back in November when we had broken up yet again, he jumped so quickly to get involved with someone new.  I told him that I didn’t think I wanted to get serious with someone who clearly didn’t feel the same about me as I had felt about him.

I was getting ready for my life changing surgery, so I couldn’t really be bothered by all his weird PTSD/ADHD/Asperger like behaviors.  He kept telling me he wanted to visit me in the hospital or come to see me and take care of me, and kept turning him down

It’s hard for me to think about this time now, because after what happened to E this year, I am wracked with guilt

After we broke off, we didn’t speak much.  His mom and I are still friends, we talk briefly about stuff, keeping it light, etc. but never really ‘talking’ talking.  Apparently he was involved with some woman and he was starting to drink again and huffing, which is something I never thought he would be into 

I read on FB that he had a brain injury, he had fallen and hit his head on a cabinet.  He had headaches afterward and didn’t do anything about it until it was almost too late.  He was rushed into surgery, as they discovered a brain bleed and it had caused his brain to swell.  I sent my best wishes and didn’t once think about heading over to see him because I didn’t really think I was welcome

A few months ago, in March, I read on FB again from his sister-in-law that someone close to them was in a car accident and was on life support.  I knew immediately from her previous posts about him last October that she was talking about E.  I sent her a msg on FB giving her my number, and letting her know if I could do anything, please let me know

I got that text on 3/4 telling me that if I wanted to say goodbye, that today would be the day.  I dropped everything and drove the long drive to Roseville, where the love of my life lay in a coma.  His mom and dad were making a decision to pull the plug and everyone was rallying around

Here’s where the guilt comes in, and his brother feels the same way with his own guilt.  I kept thinking that if I was just kinder to him, that we’d still be together and he wouldn’t be clinging to life.  His brother said that if he hadn’t kicked him out of the house they shared, he’d be ok as well.

We all can’t save someone from their destructive paths, that’s one of many lessons learned from all of this

I cried all the way home that night.  I was in a fog wondering when his parents were going to make the call to take him off life support.

I got the call late in the afternoon on Monday.  He was off the vent, awake and responsive…it truly was a miracle of epic proportions

I went up there every weekend to see him, sometimes staying overnight with his parents, sometimes just going for the day.  He was back and yet he wasn’t back

To look at him, you’d think he had nothing wrong with him.  He can walk, move around, do all the things that most people can do.  it’s only when he speaks that you know something’s wrong.  He talks like he had a stroke, garbled speech etc.

I struggled through those months when he was in the hospital.  Clearly he remembered me, but I wasn’t sure where I fit into his life.  the nurses all said that he was so much more calmer when I was around.  he called me his wife, then his girlfriend, always the first person he reached for whenever I was in the room.

He’s home now, and during the time since his accident, his dad was going through treatment for throat cancer.  So his mom was focusing more on her husband then him, and that’s totally understandable.  Unfortunately, in the effort to get him home, she didn’t set up home care or any of the peripherals that come along with someone with a brain injury.  He’s in desperate need of a speech and motor skills therapist, and his first appointment post hospital with a neurologist isn’t until the end of this month

I don’t see him now that often, it’s a long drive to the mountains and I am realizing that his mom is in serious denial about him and his prognosis.  She’s too close to it all, her grandson and brother talked with me this past weekend about how they are worried about her.  She will get mad when someone asks how SHE is doing.  She isn’t getting that as a care giver she needs to be honest with herself about her own needs.

He’s clearly not getting better.  The last time I was there was in April, and he’s the same as he was then.  She keeps telling me that h

e’s doing so good, better every day and yet I don’t see any improvement.

I left their mountain house knowing that I will probably not go up there again.  She’s going some other things going on with one of his girlfriends that I seriously don’t approve of, but I know it’s not my house and she has to cope any way that she can.

There’s no telling how much he will regain if anything.  The man I fell in love with is still there, just not sure I could handle being a long term caregiver for someone. He’s clearly not going to ever be able to live on his own at the rate he’s recovering.  True, it’s only been since March, and I am assuming that he’ll live like this for a while, I am just being realistic.

He broke my heart this weekend, in a moment of perfect clarity, looked up from laying down on the couch and asked me when we were going to get back together.  My heart ached for him…I said you’ve got a lot of healing to do, think good thoughts about the future, we’ll burn that bridge when we come to it and he laughed

3 hours later, he couldn’t remember that conversation