So attached to outcomes

In a previous life, I would have spent a great deal of time obsessing about what happened with E

I think now that I know a little better about myself and about how things seem to be in the world, I am actually ok, and moving on

I know that in the past (and still do) have a tendency to be really attached to the outcomes, meaning that I have much higher expectations of what I want to happen than what actually does.  And I am a lot better at not doing that as I get to know more about why you really should be present and enjoy the moment

Unfortunately, that didn’t happen in regards to E

Michael and I have been doing so much work about being more feminine, letting go of the masculine side, being vulnerable, allowing myself to be needy, etc. I think what happened is that E sort of fell into my ‘glow’, first victim as one of my friends mentioned lol

I think in hindsight I shouldn’t have said anything at the time…however, there is a big part of me that knows that if I couldn’t express myself and my feelings, well, how is that supposed to work long term?

I feel like if I try to figure it out, without knowing what was going on in his head, I won’t ever have the real story

I also think that rehashing it might actually be borderline obsessing about it and I have done my processing and I am able to move on

Sure, I miss him…however, I am not altogether its actually HIM that I miss.  I think I miss the rituals, planning my day around seeing him, getting excited by his calls or texts, looking forward to doing more things together away from work

As the days go by, and I am able to process through it all, I am understanding that I DO deserve better treatment than that, that anyone that claims to care about you doesn’t storm off in a huff and slam the door, then give you the silent treatment for the rest of the weekend

As Michael tells me, as I reveal more layers of myself, I will be meeting more and more people.  At some point with the work that I am doing, I will eventually meet the man I am supposed to be with, just need to go through some hard earned lessons in the meantime