Memory lane stroll

I listen to a podcast of a local morning show on my way to work. It’s just noise, so if I drift off to sleep, it’s not like I will miss any of my audible book or anything important. I am REALLY far behind (I am in April now) but I want to make sure I don’t miss anything that they talk about.

On this one particular podcast, they were talking about the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees.  That got me on a search in Amazon Music to add some stuff that I haven’t had time to add.  Most if not all of the stuff I have added on Amazon is already in my iTunes, but I rarely listen to that these days

Some old stuff came up, and I stopped listening to the podcast and started listening to some of the songs of my youth

I am not one to live in the past. I am fully present in this moment, eternally grateful for the lessons I have learned from the past. I couldn’t help but run that movie in my head, you know, the one that I think of every time I hear a certain song

Like “Crazy for You” from Madonna. I was stationed at Camp Pendleton, and admittedly thoroughly enjoyed being a single woman, one that was very in shape and attractive. I never had to worry about having money for drinks because there was always some Marine or sailor that was willing to buy me a drink, in the hopes of getting me to dance with him. Back then, we’d all dance in a big mob to the fast songs, but if someone asked you to slow dance, that was the unspoken cue that once you were pressed against one another, you were ‘together’ for the night. I am at the 5th Marines enlisted club (Camp Margharita) when some guy asked me to slow dance, to this song. As he held me close, I saw Rob, this guy that I had talked with before. He was the roommate of this guy Dan that I had dated off and on.  Rob was the sweetest, kindest, gentlest soul. He often told me how much he wished it was him that I was dating instead of his roommate. As “Crazy for You” played, as I was in the arms of someone else, his eyes locked onto mine. When the song was over, I saw him walk away from the dance floor. We did end up dating briefly, but that moment is forever in my head

Like “Waiting For a Girl Like You” from Foreigner. I am so very pregnant and my boyfriend Rick was over at my house keeping me company. We’re laying in bed and had the radio on. The DJ says, this next song goes out to a very special lady, soon to be a mom, from her main squeeze Rick. It didn’t register right away.  I was laying there, Rick trying to nuzzle into me, but as pregnant as I was, that was a tough feat. It was when he hummed along to the song that I got it. I started crying, he started crying, it was a really emotional moment for both of us.

Like “Alone” from Heart. I had been gone all day, down at the Ala Moana Park, getting REALLY drunk and sunburned, my last weekend in Hawaii.  No kid, as my mother had come to get my then baby daughter and took her home to Illinois, so that I could process out of the Marines.  The guy I was dating at the time, Art, was waiting for me all day. Thinking back on this moment, as I have many, many times when I hear that song, I realize my 20 year old self wasn’t trying to hurt him, I was just trying to protect my heart. I came home, we argued, he left, I was so drunk and quickly sobering up.  He came back and found me sitting in my apartment in the dark, listening to the rain. Without a word, he took me out to his car, shut the door behind me, and drove.  We drove and drove, the rain lashing that little VW beetle, until we got to the end of the road, in Makaha. And we just sat there, all the things we should say to one another, left hanging in the air.  We drove back and we made love all night. When I woke up, the day I was to leave him and the island forever, he was gone

So many memories, of music and my youth. I can’t help but think of these times, now, as a single person, who had so many of these young men profess their love for me.  Where are these guys now? Aren’t I the same woman that I was then?  That’s an entry for another time…

When I was at my parents house over Labor Day, my mother once again took out boxes of photos.  It’s like a tradition, we always go through photos and talk about our family and history.

She showed Mar’s boyfriend Fabio photos of Mar when she was a baby and had some of me in the Marines

I sat there and looked at them. I couldn’t help but think, where did that badass, did not give any f*cks, that lived life fully and completely, go?  What happened to her?

I spent some time with my bubba Mark over the weekend and I mentioned how I felt when I saw those pictures.  He looked me dead in the eye and said, she’s still there.  You’ve ridden your bike to LA twice, once after surviving cancer.  YOU SURVIVED CANCER.  You ARE a badass, that’s not past tense

It’s tough sometimes to remember that. Whatever has happened to that crazy, no care in the world person to not allow her to shine again needs to knock it off.  I am taking the steps to make sure she’s noticed more often, and live up to that badass name.  After all, as I once told someone, I am kind of a big deal