Looking over my shoulder

Things with E did not turn out so hot at the end

And what amazes me, is that if I look back on it, I realize that he was right

One of his scathing text messages to me sort of floored me, then again, a lot of the stuff that he did floored me

He said, you were easy

There was definitely an element of that, sure.  Michael had told me to open myself up, be more vulnerable and that’s what I did.  I didn’t have much protection against someone like him, as I had never really given myself a chance to open up to someone fully and be vulnerable

So yeah, I was an easy target

I have dated 4 men since December, when Michael and I started this whole process of learning things about myself and moving towards being more feminine

Each time I am with someone I am learning, and they are really valuable lessons.  I am surprised at how I am allowing myself to be vulnerable and yet at the same time, staying a little aloof, protecting myself a little instead of just being wide open, to be a target again

There is a ton of construction here on campus, and because of the work that E does, I am sure that he will be back working, if he isn’t already

I can’t help but wonder what I will feel like when I see him again after all this time (several months have passed)

I still sit outside by the fountain at lunch to read, although I don’t go downstairs to take breaks during the normal break time.  In my head, I still have his ‘schedule’ so that I know when he comes and goes, although not so much anymore because I don’t know when he has his son on the weekends, etc.  I do remember as I am walking along to my office when its Thursday and knowing he arrives late to work because he drops off his son

I question whether or not I am strong enough to face him and not be a complete shrew.  I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. 

In the meantime, whenever I see any construction crews that he worked with, I just smile and keep walking.  They don’t ever need to know what’s really going on with me