Feeling some kind of way

I am still trying to process how I am feeling about being out on Devil’s Slide yesterday

A & B would be meeting me at the parking lot and we’d schlep stuff up the hill.  I didn’t go to ride out, for many reasons, but mainly because I wanted to make sure I avoided the traffic on 1 if I got caught with the riders going up the hill

As I drove to the parking lot, my heart starting racing as I was taking the route that the riders would be taking to get to the coast.  I think that again confirmed to me that even though I love riding my bike, this ride is really damn hard and I am not a fan of hills, regardless of training

We got set up, in the misty marine layer, all of us in plaid and red furry beards, as lumberjacks basically.  Because James was known as Santa, we also had Santa hats on. Well not me, with my giant head lol

This little oasis in the mist, is about 20 miles from the Cow Palace.  They  have a rest stop along the way, but a lot of riders skipped and just flew down to the coast.  Ride out was 6:30am, and we saw our first riders about an hour later.  Makes me shake my head how fast they must have been flying

This spot, up this stupid climb on Day 1 of riding of all things, gave us a great opportunity to cheer on riders as they come around the bend and see and hear us.  Seeing them struggle then after hearing us, actually seeing them kicking into gear was really rewarding. They’ve just climbed essentially two hills and they were all smiles. For that alone I was grateful that I was able to help out and be a part of the process

One of the early riders was my teammate and dear friend Heather. I had told her that I wasn’t going to ride out but would be at the Slide and she said she wanted to make sure she saw me.  She jumped off her bike and threw herself into my arms.  I lifted her off the ground as I hugged her, she’s a tiny little thing!  She sobbed, both with joy of seeing me as well as the sadness we all felt knowing that this ride was going to be without James.  I wished her well and a safe ride

As I was standing there cheering on riders, I saw someone walking up the opposite side and it was Tim. He slowly crossed over and walked up to me. He immediately hugged me and broke down crying. I am not sure if it’s just my mom energy or what, but every time we’ve seen each other since James’s death, he’s done this.  While it feels good to be of comfort to him and hold that space for him, I am wondering if he’s really getting about the grieving process.  We all grieve in our own way for sure, but something tells me he’s struggling.  We talked about how his days were briefly and I said to be sure to just take it one moment at a time, this week and the following let down would be a test for him for sure

I was very pleasantly surprised to see  my friend Rich walk up the hill.  He had been at ride out with his team and decided to come hang out with us lumberjacks.  We talked while cheering on riders, and he too had his moment.  He’s been struggling with illness and injuries for several years and not able to ride, so he had this moment of reflection, seeing all the riders and their bikes.  He broke down and as I held him, I whispered to him that he was there, he was participating, he was doing all he could. These riders really appreciated us being there, having a moment to smile and dance, shake off the climb

Finally all the riders had passed and packed up and walked back down to our cars. A & B were continuing down the coast to play closer to the finish line for the day in Santa Cruz, but I decided to go home and nap and get my chores done

Can’t really put my finger on how I felt, still feel in a lot of ways. It was really cool to experience seeing these riders being uplifted by us, seeing my friends and supporting them in their ride. Was it a little bit of FOMO happening? That I wished I was out there riding?

I guess there’s a lot of this underlying feeling of I am the strong one for everyone else, at what point is someone going to be strong for me?