Being tested

I am really struggling right now with all that is going on with me

Struggling because I am wondering how I can draw on my spiritual practice to help guide me and not let me get so bogged down by things
 
Yes, I know that I haven’t been that active, I haven’t been to the center since the Relic Tour which was the 4th of July weekend and I haven’t been to class this whole summer either
 
I am actually looking forward to class starting again tonight because I feel like that it was my touchstone, my week always got better when I was with my fellow dharma students and was able to put what I learned into practice
 
The thing is, I should be doing it all the time, not just fresh from class
 
To some extent, its hard to break old habits and when I sit here its hard not to be in a bad mood
 
It sometimes helps to think about the bigger picture but even then its hard for me because what IS the bigger picture? This company is a sinking ship and I feel like I am rearranging the deck chairs doing all this data entry work
 
Every day I try really hard to do my job and not make it seem like I hate every minute of it, but I know that sometimes it comes across that way. I try not to live in fear of something happening like getting laid off or worse getting fired, but I know from experience, people make some pretty heinous mistakes here and don’t get fired, so there is some comfort there.
 
I can’t be all cheery and light, and fake like ASD is and how she is that way one minute then complaining the next I will never know
 
I generally wake up in a great mood, I have a lot going on in the morning, with getting the kitten meds, dogs fed, myself fed and dressed and the added pressure of having a set time to arrive every day (and ASD thought this job would bring more flexibility, really? Where is that exactly that you see more flexibility?)
 
I listen to a funny radio morning show on the way to work, so I am in an even better mood
 
Why is it that when I walk in, and something that ASD does sets me off immediately?
 
I think I am going to talk with the nun that teaches my class tonight, try to get some perspective on things. I wish that there were an answer to why I can’t let stuff go, why the little things bother me so much, what’s causing all this suffering?
 
Is it a control thing? Do I feel like I don’t have any control over the situation or maybe I am not doing what I should be doing or acting the way they want me to act?
 
I find it hard to get excited about a database to be honest with you…my boss leans over me and acts like it’s the most exciting thing since electricity and I stare at him like he’s on drugs
 
My fingers are getting calloused from all the mantra work, running the beads through my fingers as fast as I can, trying to get it out to the universe that I am trying as best I can to figure it out and to use my studies and spiritual path to give me some peace and some guidance
 
I keep thinking about that Seinfeld episode…Serenity NOW!
 
If only it were that easy</span>