Up in the Air

 John and I are speaking. 

That’s really all it is: speaking. Such a small thing, but it has changed *everything.* I have gone from emotional rollercoaster hell to…god what is this? Am I back in the grey area? Am I happier in the grey area? 

Monday we talked. I really hadn’t talked to him this entire time. Not without my words being drenched in anger and resentment. We talked and I felt…better. We cooked dinner. We also slept together (which was alright, not amazing, but it had been a month and a half since I’d gotten laid so really alright was more than good enough for me).  Sigh.

Okay, so, it’s hard not to look at my words and think I’ve taken a giant step backwards. I was suffering, but I knew where it was all going. Now…well it’s all up in the air again, isn’t it? 

We made a new agreement. We’ll talk to each other. We’ll figure out what’s best for both of us. We won’t run. If divorce is what we need to do we will follow through and do it. But we have to pay off our stupid debt first, and fix the house to get it rented. We’ve got time. We’ll stay in the grey area…until we know what to do. 

I just came to the very real realization that we hadn’t even really tried. We were throwing away 5 years and our wedding vows because we didn’t want to try (or more specifically, because I didn’t want to try). If it were a true choice between John and Matthew, I might have been able to just walk away, but Matthew is emotionally MIA. Since John and I took off our rings, I have seen Matthew once (and gotten nowhere with talking to him), and talked to him once (which was encouraging, but that was a week and a half ago, and again, I’ve heard less than nothing from him since then by text or phone). So reality crashed down that it will just be me. And I knew that was healthier anyway. But it freaked me out and put me in the position of facing what life would be like after a divorce with no one to lean on at all.

Initially, all of my reasons for even wanting to reconsider John were clearly the wrong reasons. I hate how people and former friends are looking at me and/or treating me. I’m overwhelmed by the finances. I’m scared of being alone. I’m scared, period. None of those things exactly scream "great foundation for trying to rekindle relationship with husband." Since Monday, my feelings have been evolving. It’s the closeness. We’ve shared food a couple of times, and sat on the couch watching old Grey’s Anatomy episodes. We’ve talked about our feelings. We’ve started calling each other when we’re upset and we need to vent. We’re leaning on each other. 

It’s like I’m thawing out. I’m starting to feel again, to feel pain for the ways that I’ve hurt him, to feel the need to talk to him, and share with him, and see him. It’s not as scary as I thought it would be. I’ve leveled out emotionally. So here’s my question: can we rebuild? If we *really* decide to do it, and really want to do it, can we fix our marriage? Is it a pipe dream? He is actively working on some of his biggest issues. I am in therapy and realizing the roots of many of my problems. I will be working on those. Can we improve ourselves, and then rebuild our marriage?

Maybe I don’t want to hear the answers to all that. In any case, it’s not time for all the big questions and answers yet. It’s time to deal with each day as it comes. We’ll figure this out. One way or another.