Thunderstorms and non-dreams

I can’t sleep. It’s the thunderstorms. It’s the rain. It’s all the memories with Matthew in the rain. 

John and I are on the upswing for the moment, have been for at least a week. Something clicked and I was on his team in the (mind) battle of John v Matthew. I don’t think that’s changed, except it’s raining and all I want to do is see/talk to/breath/fuck Matthew. Luckily it’s the middle of the night, and in the morning I should be better able to move past it. 

I think brains are so used to doing their processing at night that they’ll do it whether or not you are sleeping. That’s why you’re completely screwed if you wake up in the middle of the night to find your mind is on something. I woke up around midnight. Three hours and counting. I thought about Matthew for an hour or so. I finished a book I was (re)reading. And then I went back to my rain/sex fantasy land with Matthew. 

I’m going back to my restaurant soon. I’ll have to see him, and eventually talk to him. And at some point, I may even have to make myself turn away from him again because the pull is too fucking strong. I have too much to lose by leaving John. John loves me so completely, and I’m not sure I could survive if I wasn’t the center of someone’s world. I don’t think Matthew could/would do that for me. John anchors me, and understands most of me. We are a good team, and we make a good family. The sex is still shitty. I’m not sure it will ever be really good again. I’ve lived with that for a few years already. What’s the rest of my life? Can’t be too bad.

I think the universe is too big for our brief lives to be our whole shot at existence. I’ll find Matthew in another life, maybe we won’t both be so crazy fucking damaged before we find each other. Maybe that’s the only reason we sought each other out and I’ll never run into him again. In any case, is a lifetime really that long? And are my choices really the end all be all? I’ll get another shot in some way or form. And I’m reasonably happy with where I’m at right now. I know that great (even mind-blowing) sex doesn’t make a relationship. I’ve been with that guy before. He was an okay person. We fought non-stop. We fucked non-stop. And we used each other up until we didn’t have the energy to keep it all together anymore. We had to admit defeat.

I won’t have to ever admit defeat with John. One or the other of us will see what is left and decide to fight for it, and the other one of us will cave because it’s easier to stay than to go. I just wish that the decision to stay came with some sort of peace-of-mind…and with some sort of pill to make me forget that some part of me wants more (the world, perfection, maybe just a mind-blowing fuck). 

Back to fantasy-land. Till next time.