thoughts for the day:

*Why, why WHY did I not close the deal with Matthew?

Or rather why wouldn’t he have sex with me (because I definitely tried)? I’ve been reading in this book that men don’t cross the sex line because *that* is when they feel like they’re doing something wrong (oral, which we did do, doesn’t count apparently, i.e. Bill Clinton). So was he just unable to go past that line in the sand because of his friendships with John and I? 

Or was it about control? Although we’ve always been on equal footing in our friendship, he took all the control over our sexual/romantic relationship. As soon as we started kissing he controlled everything from that point on. He controlled our kisses, how far we went that night, and how often we talked or saw each other after that. It has definitely thrown me off because I am usually the person with most control/power in my relationships. There’s only one other guy that played that game with me: Jake. And it took me yeeeearrrs to get over his sorry ass. 

*My husband’s presence is bothering me today. It’s probably because of all the Matthew thoughts, but I feel really buggy around John. So much so that I took off for a few hours just to go read my book away from him. Not my nicest moment, but oh well, I’ve done worse.

*I feel myself starting to gain back the weight I lost during the last couple months. All the stress had taken about 15 pounds off me (I was also working out). Anyway, I don’t know whether to be pleased that I’ve stabilized enough emotionally that I’m gaining weight, or pissed off that all that "progress" is disappearing. I’m working out more frequently to fight it, but we’ll see how long that lasts.

*I have these scary moments (scary because they hurt my perception of myself and my character) where I think I don’t really want to stay, but I need to keep him placated long enough to pay down the debt, fix up and rent or sell the house, and save money to cover the expense of the divorce and leave us each a cushion to be fine living on our own. Am I not as invested in this process as I thought I was, or am I just having a bad day?

I guess we’ll see, won’t we?