therapy

So I went to therapy today. First off, I already know I love my therapist. She’s awesome: like Joanna without the drama. A good listener, cuts through to the important info, easy to talk to and makes me feel like she relates. Anyway…

I mostly just blabbed my life away. How do you introduce your problems to another person without sounding like a maniac? She asked specifically why I came to therapy. That’s easy: I had an affair and am having trouble coping with the results. Next question. An ongoing affair? Uh…no. But it didn’t exactly blindside me either. I’ve liked, loved, whatever’d this guy for a while. I’ve dreamed and fantasized about it. Was I drunk? Yes. Did I make it happen? Yes. Am I torn? Yes. Does said guy want to be with me? I don’t know. He’s guarded. He has a right to be guarded. And I’ve told myself that I have to look at this as married or single, not married or running into his arms and hoping all my problems will go away. Well have I continued the affair? No, but I’ve continued the friendship. I’ve leaned on him, I’ve shared my problems with him, I’ve also gotten drunk with him and tried to convince him (unsuccessfully) to sleep with me. Props to him for passing on the opportunity, even though it confuses the hell out of me.

Well what about you and your husband, was everything okay before this? Well, I probably would have said that it was, but that’s because that’s what I do. No, everything wasn’t okay. How much time did you spend together? Almost no time, we have opposite schedules. What about shared interests? We don’t go out and do things very often, but we like to cook on our days off, and we have some tv shows that we record and watch together. So you have some shared interests. Yeah. What about you and the other guy, do you share interests? Well…(20-25 second awkward pause, while I try to decide if I really even know anything about him, which of course I do, but I’ve been in a relationship through our whole friendship, so we hung out at work, or at bars, and nowhere else until recent events) yeah. Our relationship kind of revolved around work for a long time, so of course there’s that, but he also likes to cook and stuff. He took me out on the Friday I stayed with him to this place with a bunch of food trailers and we watched A Christmas Story outside in this little park area. The food was really good, we had this crazy Japanese/Korean pizza thing, I didn’t even know everything that was on it, but it was good. Before recently, we mostly just saw each other at work, or socially, out drinking, but yeah, I know we share interests. He and John are a lot alike really. 

So, you’ve told John what happened? Yeah, well that was unavoidable (or trust me, I would’ve avoided it). The three of us were out together. John and I started fighting. John left. I didn’t come home until 7 the next morning. I had to tell him. So there was alcohol involved, well, those things happen. That’s not how he felt. the other guy and John were friends long before I met either one. So there’s a lot of betrayal there. We talked that morning when I came back, then I slept for a few hours. Then, that night, he threw me out of the house. He did that? How did that make you feel? Awful, horrible, worthless, scared. I went to stay with the other guy. I didn’t know where else to go. Then, the next day I called my friends, and I went to stay with them during the next week. 

Ran out of steam on this and started reading other old blogs instead. To be continued, I’m sure.