soul brother

one of the big mysteries of my recent lifetime (the last 5 years) is a why. 

Why was I so instantly attracted to Matthew. Why was he important to me from the first moment we (re)met 4.5 years ago. Within a week of working with him, I was totally gone. If he wasn’t around, I was painfully aware of it. When he was, he lit up my world. It sounds so extreme, and so insanely similar to a few painful high school crushes I had…but it was different. We were insta-friends. Just put us in a room together, and we are on the same wavelength. You name it: "that guys a jerk" "can you believe these assholes?" "bacon is amazing" "all food is amazing" "if we could just ____, we could take over the world" " I love that person." Our rapport was freaking amazing. And I simply don’t make friends very often or very fast. I don’t like people. I don’t trust people. But Matthew was different.

Aside from the fact that I thought Matthew was a delicious sexual prospect, my friendship with him was most similar to the friendship I’ve always had with my big brother. We’re almost so much alike that there’s a security blanket around it all – "I trust that this person won’t jump out of line and do something I radically disagree with." My brother might do things that I roll my eyes at, but he never does anything that betrays my faith in him as a person. Matthew is in that same category. Anything that he could do that’s stupid, I would never hesitate to forgive him for and move past. On top of that, certain parts of our brains are just built the same, making it a very "us against the world" kind of situation. That’s me and my brother, or me and Matthew. 

Anyway.

In therapy last week I’m talking about the holidays, and the weird dance of being considerate that my brother and I do when anything involves our mom…and my therapist just jumps in and says "Is your mom like you?" Well, basically, yeah. And then my therapist starts talking about what is termed as a "highly sensitive person." Making up 15-20% of the population, HSPs are more sensitive to their environment and to the needs and feelings of other people. This apparently genetic trait is spread equally between men and women. HSPs often have a difficult childhood as a result of their sensitivity – other kids sense that there is something not right with them. For me, I always cared too much…about everything – I hated to hurt people’s feelings or break the rules if I knew there would be a negative consequence. My brain was always pretty aware of what impact the things I did would have on the people around me, which takes the fun out of doing something bad.

As an adult, I like to think I’m pretty good at hiding my super-sensitivity. I hate noise and unnecessary interactions (small talk) or interruptions, but I just fight my way through those things. I’ve always been the "girl next door" sort of pretty, and I use that as a somewhat effective shield, because most people don’t guess that a pretty girl might also be afraid to talk to people or build relationships with them, they don’t think she would prefer books to company, or prefer to go home rather than hang out. Because people couldn’t possibly guess all of that about me by looking at me, they tend to treat me like one of them (rather than as an outcast), which gives me the option, in any social situation, of playing the part of "normal girl" if I need to. Still, in long term relationships like the ones you make at work, personality always comes out over time, and everyone eventually knows I’m a bit "off." At the restaurant, where I’m one of the bosses, everyone just accepts it as a cute quirk and goes right on trying to reach out to me and connect with me. In other jobs, where I wasn’t the boss and I was just one of many on the front line, it really kept me from shining – the people who were "superstars" because of their sales abilities couldn’t understand why I couldn’t keep up, and my bosses couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t just perform so that they could promote me. I was stuck on the bottom level, relegated to a lost cause because I couldn’t fake "normal" past my interview process. (Traditional sales abilities, by the way, require some lack of emotional connection with the person you are selling to – you really can’t make a sale if you’re worried about how they are going to pay for it and whether or not they really need it. Ironically, I’m a great sales person in my current field, private events and parties, because that connection and empathy for people makes me understand what they really want and make it come alive. So I *am* an amazing sales person, but not of the traditional sort. I can’t sell something to someone who doesn’t really want it). 

Wrapping up all these revelations with a neat little bow, my therapist asks if Matthew might be an HSP too. I had to think about it, because that’s a light I’ve never shone on him. He always seemed so much more normal than me, so easy going and friendly…but…for example, after we fucked up and went home together and the next day my husband kicked me out of the house I went to stay with him overnight. When I got there, he had already called his ex-girlfriend (who wasn’t staying there anymore but who still had all her furniture and stuff there) and gotten her permission for me to stay in her room. He didn’t assume I would just jump right in bed with him again, he gave me a choice. And that’s just one example of a thousand that just came instantly to mind when my therapist asked that. Add on top of that that his "normal," as far as the rest of the world goes, is usually achieved by drinking, or taking xanax, or doing some other sort of drug. He is usually on something, or drinking. Is it possible that he does that to avoid feeling such strong things about *everything* around him? Yes. It’s not just possible. It explains a million things. And my therapist explained that it was very likely that I needed him in my life so much because he was just like me. He sees everything through the same lense I do, and there aren’t very many people who can do that. So the fact that I turned to him instead of my husband in certain situations, was not because my husband had done something wrong, but because I needed the support of someone who really understood me. It’s magnetic. How can you not be drawn to someone who understands where you are coming from *all* the time. 

So I haven’t seen or talked to Matthew in a year. I’m in an amazing place with John right now. And I now know why Matthew just keeps coming up – why I can’t really let him go. Why, when certain things happen that upset or excite me, there’s no one I’d rather tell than him. He’s my best friend. A brother of my soul.