slightly drunk, eating sushi, thinking of you

 I don’t view my life as a consequence of other people’s choices. It’s a consequence of my own choices, good and bad. I like you. And you kind of changed my life. So today, I’ve recognizing that and deciding to like you a little bit more.

I’ve gone though about a million emotions concerning you. Almost all of them totally over-the-top melodramatic. The reality is that you’re a person that changed the course of my life, and, good or bad, you have to respect that. Regardless of your motivations, you changed my life, maybe even saved it. Maybe you were just being self-destructive, or maybe you really wanted a deeper connection with me, or maybe it meant nothing to you and you just took what was available – any way you slice it, I have a different life now than what I would have had if I had not gone home with you instead of with John that night.

He is sober. We are both in therapy, individually and together. We are suddenly whole people that compliment each other rather than half persons that can’t live without each other. I don’t complete him, I just am better with him. It’s insane, obscene, that all of this could come from an affair. I’m falling in love with him again. We have control over ourselves and our lives and don’t let our impulses control us. We understand each other, we fight to make things better. It’s nuts. 

You were a catalyst. That makes me sad at the same time that it makes me appreciate you. I wouldn’t have picked someone like you to be only a source of change in my life. I would have picked you to be a life partner. Still, I found him first and I couldn’t have asked for a better match. I would have, though, sought you out if it were not for him, sanded your rough edges, gone through this process with you. You are equally worthy of it. You deserve to have someone who doesn’t just complete you – but becomes your partner in everything and supports you in building yourself up. You deserve everything that John got. I pray that you have it someday. As a soul, I love you. And I love everything you have done for me. I sincerely wish that there was a way to return it. I owe you – if not in this life, then in the next one. 

I love you.

Katie