saturday

So shopping today was good. It’s exhausting to do it alone, all those bags you carry around get heavy.

I texted Matthew when I got to Austin, just to check on his schedule. I knew he was working this morning, but didn’t know if it would be all day, so I asked. He said he was working a double (all day and night), so I tried to put him out of my mind and just get my shopping done. I was mostly successful, until I started the drive home. To keep myself sane (or to drive myself crazy) I called John to try and smooth things over from this morning. 

When I was getting ready today he came to my bathroom and told me he was sorry for talking to me at lunch yesterday, and for booking the reservation without talking to me. He said he would just stop trying to approach me and talk to me. He was all short and clipped when he said this, meaning it wasn’t a real apology, but a rant of frustration. So that’s what I was calling to smooth over. Anyway, that phone call turned in to a 30 minute cry fest while I navigated traffic. I was mostly just listening to him. I don’t really trust him with my feelings, I guess. I also don’t trust myself to tell him my feelings, as they change constantly and I’m liable to regret. Anyway, he volunteered to sort of take the night off work so we could hang out, and talk, and do something other than sit around our house. 

He got the night abbreviated anyway, he had to go in from 7-9ish, and then we’re going to go out to dinner. We talked this afternoon. It was hard, but we did refrain from yelling at each other at least. Right around 5:30, while John was outside smoking, Matthew texted me: he got out of his shift for tonight and has the night off. Hanging out with him is exactly what I wanted to do when I woke up this morning. Unfortunately, John had already taken the evening off, so any chance of heading back to Austin and escaping with Matthew for a few hours was nixed. It broke my heart to blow him off, but I had to. I know he wanted me to come down too, or he wouldn’t have told me he was off. Ugh. 

So now I’m waiting for John to get off work, so that we can go on a quasi-date, which may or may not suck. I guess we’ll see.