ouch
This morning when I got home before class, I found pictures of Josh on my desk. His mom sent them to my mom to be put on the church bullitin board. I thought I was alright, but as I looked at them to decide which one or ones should be up at the church…I started to hurt.. I just felt empty. How could I have been so happy with Seth yesterday and then today i have to force myself to think about him? He called just now, Seth did, He kept asking me what I was doing and why I wouldn’t tell him and tried to get me to talk to him and I just started crying. Why don’t I want to talk to him? He would probably listen and try to keep himself in check and be there for me, but I’m not letting him. Why? Its just…well that no matter how hard he tries to be my best friend he never will be. I say never, I don’t mean it and I can’t know that, but its how I feel. Josh was my best friend…from day one. There was never a time when he wasn’t after we were together, and I never managed to replace him. No one knows me better. I know Seth would hate to hear that, we’ve been together a year, but he still doesn’t know me like Josh did. I still can’t talk to him like I talked to Josh. He doesn’t even know what I gave him. All the things Josh and I had problems with and all the things he wanted so much from me I just gave to Seth. I just GAVE them to him. Sigh. I go through all of this just from looking at pictures. What would happen if I actually SAW Josh? What if I spent time with him? Oh God I can’t imagine. It would be torture to just turn around and say goodbye. Whats more is I know that its mutual…the feeling that if there’s justice in the world then we’ll get the oppurtunity to be together again and get it right. Is that just some foolish dream on both our parts? I don’t want Seth to read this and think its something I’m planning. I’m not. I don’t see how things could ever bring Josh and I back together, but I do secretly hope it at moments like this. Is it just a weakness…longing for my first love? Is this something everyone and their dog goes through? I wish I knew. Then I could know how to feel, whether I’m a nutcase or not. Seth and I have spent some wonderful time together recently, but thats recently after we broke up and then started seeing each other again. Am I just doomed to never have a solid end to a relationship with either one of them? Have I ended the relationship with Josh and not admitted it to myself? Why, why, why, why, why, why, why????? Blek. I just want to finish school. Worrying about the rest of my life is just too hard. Yes, I want to be with Seth and I want it to work out and be wonderful and perfect and go on forever. How realistic is that though. Am I just trying to force it to happen because I’m too tiredto fight the irresistable rope pulling me back to him? Like I said, this is just a commentary…I truly want to be happy with Seth; I want for things to work out for us. Its just moments like these where I don’t know what to think of myself.