mind blown

therapy has been an amazing investment. There are layers to my personality that I’ve always been able to see, but am only just now starting to understand. my perfectionist tendencies, which I often acknowledge and poke fun at, have very deep origins. Not because anybody did anything wrong, but just because I recognized "being the best" as one way to get attention at a very young age and latched on to it. It’s so deeply ingrained that it affects everything I do. I’ve always known that it takes a special kind of crazy to be as good as I am at what I do for a living, but I didn’t know what it was about me. I’m really starting to realize that my perfectionism is a burden as much as it is a boon. It’s the reason that I’m so amazing at my job and at anything I really put my mind to, but it is incredibly draining. I have to sleep more than the average person. And when I screw up (like with Matt), I try to prove that I was doing the *right* thing in order to keep from losing my mind. I was convincing myself to stay with Matthew, that I needed to, that everything would fall apart if I didn’t, and all because I couldn’t cope with being wrong. My brain moved *so* quickly to convince me of that that I didn’t even feel guilty about what had happened between Matthew and me, I immediately justified it as the result of my terrible experiences with an alcoholic husband who had literally pushed me into it. And he had…but I knew better than all of that. I can’t even do my thoughts justice right now, but…suffice to say: mind blown.