last couple days

i was going to write this entry before i knew seth had already found this diary, but i stopped myself when he wrote me that email.  but i’d be contradicting myself by not writing it.  this diary is stil mine and i won’t start sugarcoating stuff or staying away just because of him.  so here goes..

seth called me yesterday, trying to make himself feel better.  it messed my world up.  i can’t deal with this talking/not talking shit.  he got upset and hung up on me in the end, but thats really nothing new.  i wanted to feel bad for hurting him, but i didn’t.  instead i felt that he shouldn’t have called me for the reason he did, and that it was his own fault that the truth hurts him so much.  like it or not i have been sugarcoating things for him for a long time. (even though he probably didn’t notice or thought i did a shitty job of it)  i hate that i’ve done that.  obviously i did it cause i cared for him and i didn’t like hurting him, but  now i have to conciously stop myself from doing so. 

so anyway that phone call (two calls actually) threw me for a loop and left me feeling lonely and shitty.  so even though i was already in bed when john called me at 10, i still got my ass up and went to go see him hoping i’d snap out of that shit.  i don’t think i would have gone if i hadn’t talked to seth.  so i stayed the night there, which isn’t suprising seeing as i was half asleep when he called in the first place.  Nothing happened worth mentioning but i didn’t get much sleep either.  kept waking up and seeing the wrong person passed out next to me on the couch.  don’t get me wrong.  john’s a good guy.  i’m not even the least bit serious about him. i really just want to leave it at friends.  he’s not my type.  but i think he somehow decided i was his type, and if i’d have been thinking straight yesterday i wouldn’t have gone over there and led him on like that acting like we might actually get somewhere.  i wasn’t thinking though, and i was so lonely, it was just good to have someone there next to me.  so in seth’s email today, he asked me not to do anything stupid.  wonder if that qualifies and how mad he’ll be when he reads this.

today, i hung out with megan a little after we ducked out of aerobics early.  shes her usual self.  i then spent 6 hours writing out those stupid essays for my telecourse ( 4 hours really, seeing as i took myself a nice two hour nap smack dab in the middle of it).  i finally finished it and went and grabbed some chick -fila and went to johns to watch the baylor game with him and this guy ken he works with.  we sat around for awhile.  another guy showed up (they were all going to bums together) and sat down.  saw his tatoos and thought damn that looks like joey did it.  and sure enough we got to talking about people we know and exboyfriends and how this guy at walmart recognized me as joey’s girlfriend from highschool (did i mention i totally have no interest in being remembered for that?).  anyway, trey (thats the guys name) says man that names familiar, and i said yeah hes a tatoo artist, and they guy was like oh yeah he did mine, and i said i know…for which i got a weird look so i had to explain that joey has identical stars on his armand that jen has a compass made with the same colors down uh "there."  anyways they left for bums and i headed home.  i’ve got a test tommorow.  peace out.