interesting things

Had therapy session #2 this afternoon. Wow. 

Because you are talking to someone without judgement, who is simultaneously steering you towards realizing things you haven’t come to terms with, some interesting things comes out in therapy. 

Interesting thing today? My marriage is going to end.

I am more scared of staying married than I am of going through a mess of a divorce and being single again. I am in love with Matthew and that’s not going to go away. It isn’t an accident. Over the last year I have pulled away and unentangled myself from my husband while simultaneously taking all of that attention, those feelings, and those desires and putting them towards Matthew. John and I have been putting up walls over the last week, starting to protect and guard ourselves. It’s because we’re preparing to leave each other. My future relationship with Matthew does not have to be doomed. We are in control of it. We have to leave the past in the past and just do the right things for us as they come. Matthew is not John. I am attracted to him for different reasons than I the ones that initially attracted me to John. 

For the record, although it was her questioning that brought a lot of these words out of my mouth, the realizations are all my own, and they’re evolving even now (literally, there are puzzle pieces popping into place as I type this). She has not pushed me in any direction, only asked me questions and made me answer them out loud (instead of leaving them swimming in my head, per my usual ways). She asked if I was interested in marriage therapy, and I told her I’m not. I’m scared of making any kind of commitment to working on my marriage. She asked me about how I felt when John was touching me at the movies (that sounds dirty – it wasn’t dirty, he put his hand on my leg), and when I described it, she asked if I knew what was prompting me to dodge him. Matthew was. I feel loyal to him, I feel like I’m betraying him by touching my husband. I don’t like it. I commented on how twisted that is, but she just said it’s normal, that if you’ve fallen in love with someone else, your heart is with them and it can feel wrong to be with your spouse, even if it was fine in the past.

I feel…insanely calm. I got home and John and his Mom were sitting on the couches talking and watching a cooking channel. John looks very relaxed too. I feel like we can get through this, and it could even be a friendly parting. That may be overly optimistic, but it’s how I feel right now. I think spending Christmas apart will further clarify it for us, and for my family. All of my family is operating on the assumption that I *need* to stay married. Maybe this will help smooth a transition away from the perspective in their minds. John and I are not right for each other anymore, and we cannot fix what we have done to our marriage. It is better to divorce now, without kids in the mix, then to stay together and be unhappy with ourselves and the situation. 

I need to talk to John about all of this of course, but right now, with his Mom here, it’s not really the right time. If I don’t get to before they go to Salado on Saturday, I’ll just hold on to the need to talk until she’s left. 

I feel…refreshed, excited, nervous, and like a huge weight is off my shoulders. It’s okay to not want to fix my marriage. It’s not the end of the world. I can survive this. 

This is kinda freaking crazy. I’m just saying.