epic?

 I’m feeling creative today. And horny. 

Went to go see the new Sherlock Holmes movie with the husband. It was good, except I had to keep dodging his familiar gestures of putting his (sweaty) hand on my leg, or on my back as we navigated through the crowds. That was awkward.

Also awkward was the inexplicable waive of sexual desire that hit me less than 15 minutes into the movie. God I wanted Matthew. I could close my eyes and picture him right next to me. I went up to go to the bathroom and kept visualizing running into him around the next corner. I was literally being assaulted by visions of him. Visions of him seeing me, me seeing him, crazy communications through locked eyes, and a seriously hot makeout session to follow. It took more than an hour to turn them off, long after I’d returned to my seat and tried to get engaged in the movie. And then, when the visions stopped, I starting racking my brain for a way to see him.

Of course there isn’t one. I mean, I could blatantly leave the house tonight, drive to Austin, monopolize his time when he gets off work until I have to be at work myself the next morning. I’d have to pack a bag, or I’d have to come back to my house before heading to work. Austin traffic can be bad, even in the super early morning hours, and he doesn’t live in North Austin, so I’d have to plan for an hour to an hour and a half to get back here. I work at nine tomorrow (I think), so to leave myself time to shower and get ready, I’d have to be at my house by 7:30, which means leaving Austin at 6. He may not be off work until as late as midnight. So that’s 6 hours. It’s not enough time. Plus it would probably be even more sexually frustrating. He’s closed off from me emotionally right now, so we might talk about stuff, we might not. We would probably kiss, but he would probably keep me from taking it too far. And I would just be 800x more geared up when I left at 6:00 am. Nevermind all the fallout I would receive from John when I got back.

So that’s pretty much impossible. Put it out of your brain, Katie. Yeah fucking right. 

Anyone want to tell me what a destructive person I am? I can do nothing but hurt Matthew by continuing to pursue him while I’m married. Period. And I’m too fucking scared to end my marriage when there’s no guarantee I get to keep Matthew and have any kind of secure future. If I end my marriage I’ll be single, with a fucking mortgage to pay. I’d have to rent it out, or rent a room. And for what? John loves me. He cares about me. He will take care of me. Is there really anything else I can fucking ask? The fireworks never last. They just don’t. John is more stable than Matthew, more classicly good-looking, more presentable as a husband. I’m a fool to leave that for a pipe-dream. And I can’t have both. I’m supposed to let Matthew go. Let him heal himself from this and from his other drama, let him become who he’s supposed to be, and attract a better girl than me. 

I’m selfish. I want him and I would destroy him and myself to get what I want. And John, and my reputation, and everything that probably made any of them want me in the first place. On paper, John’s the only option. I’m supposed to take it. I would have to fake falling in love with him again to convince him to stay with me. Or, there’s always the romantic notion that I actually might fall back in love with him. Haha. Moving on.

What the fuck is it about me that attracts these men anyway? They both love me and admire me on some level, and I don’t fucking get it. I’m clearly a mess, and clearly not a good person. I’m pretty, but I’m nothing to write home about. I have a great smile, but I fake it so often there’s no telling whether I’m handing out the real thing or not. I’m smart, and I’m a hard worker, and I usually do what I say I’m going to do. And when I believe in someone I have their back. They have my full support. So I guess I’m loyal, except to my marriage, so nevermind. But examining that, I did lose my belief in John at some point. He settles, he doesn’t live to his potential. He’s complacent, and he feels the need to escape from that (or from something). If I take the rose-colored glasses off and look at Matthew, I see the same issues. I guess part of me has been attracted to them (John 5 years ago, Matthew now) for their pure potential, and for the hope that I would be all they would need to live up to it. I didn’t heal or inspire John. Could I do it for Matthew? Do I just need to be needed? To be instrumental, life-changing for someone else? Is that it? Do I have some deep-seated desire to be epic (at least in the eyes of a man)? Pathetic. 

Okay, there’s serious potential for me to snowball into a crumpled mess at this point, or for me to say "fuck it" and get in my car and head Matthew’s way, hoping to be healed by his attention, no matter for how short a time. Obviously, that doesn’t work – I wasn’t healed the night we first (almost) hooked up after Thanksgiving, or the weekend I spent hiding at his apartment. He can’t heal me of this. He can numb the pain, but only for a few hours, before my dreams for him and me break my heart again. 

What I’m trying to say is I need to stop, to funnel my energy in some other way, before I get out of hand. I’m waaaayyyy too intense right now. To be continued, I’m sure.