crap day for the home team

So tired. Working all day at a job that I’ve already left in my mind is insanely draining. And I have to ride it out for 10 weeks….blah.

I went to go eat dinner with John at his work tonight. We were both is shitty bratty moods, and neither of us was feeling particularly accommodating, so we basically had a dinner that was alternating between silence and sarcasm. God it sucked. He has to drive the limo for work tonight, and the ladies he is dropping off live really close to our house, so he was pretty much dead set on bringing the limo by here so that we could have sex in it. We barely have decent sex in our bed. I’m still not really attracted to him, and I’m not drinking tonight…so no, I don’t want to have awkward sex in a limo with him. And that’s what I told him (minus the attractiveness part, I’m not really trying to make him feel like shit). So yeah, I’m sure it’ll be days before he gets over it. And it’s those moments right there where I want Matthew. I wouldn’t have to psych myself up to swallow the idea of doing that with him. 

In therapy this past week, I was talking to my therapist about how I’m missing closure from Matthew. How I would handle it if we ended up talking, and how I would react to the different things he might possibly say. My therapist is a little bit of a hippie and super open-minded. Anyway, she tells me that she thinks sometimes the people we love and can’t forget are from our past lives. She also thinks it’s shitty that we can’t just openly love people the way we want to love them, that our culture restricts us to loving just one person, when it’s unnatural. Yeah. I agree on both counts. And I know it’s her job to say things to comfort me, but she’s pretty cool for admitting that she thinks all of that. I totally believe (or at least hope) that our souls transcend lifetimes, and I wish it were socially acceptable for me to remain friends with Matthew, or any guy that I love the way I do him. How crappy is it that falling in love with someone outside of your marriage means that you have to cut that person out of your life entirely? Super crappy. I can’t tell you how much I wish we hadn’t gotten married in the first place. 

In the end, John and I can be fine together. We make a good married couple. We just aren’t super passionately in love with each other, and I would be shocked if we ever got anywhere close to it again. Admittedly, we were close to it when we started dating, but I was too damn young, and then he hit a kid when driving drunk one night, and the romance died right there to have a friendship take its place. We are friends. We are best friends that have been through a lot together, but best friends just aren’t that sexy. I want to drown in love and passion. Clearly, it was a mistake to start reading romance novels so early in life…I have impossibly high expectations.