baby this is the end all over again

part of the lyrics to a phantom planet song for the uneducated…

but its true.  welcome to the end.  again.  the tricky question is do i want it to stay like this.  okay so i don’t have an answer to that.  suprise!  i don’t have an answer to something.  me…miss tell everybody else how to run their lives.

at least is wasn’t another screaming, fit-throwing breakup.  it was more of a strage echo of our first break up.  we talked it through that time.  we agreed.  (obviously we got back together though, the first time of many)  this time was more about talking myself into letting go.  he had chosen to give up and told me he couldn’t give me any more than he already had and wouldn’t accept any less from me.  i was trying to hold onto it.  slowly though, it became obvious that i was grasping at something that was not there.  dating is about marriage.  marriage is a lifelong bond to not only someone you love, but to someone you can accept.  i had not accepted him.  he was not good enough.  there is someone who is right for him.  that person is not like me.  that person knows how to "sugarcoat " the truth without lying.  i never found that happy comprimise.  i tell the truth as bluntly as possible, and i don’t want to be bitched at for it.  just one of many examples of why we shouldn’t be together. 

anyway i like myself, and i like my alone time.  i enjoy  using my free time however i like.  i can play on my computer and read long, extravagant romance novels and i’ll get to do whatever i deem to be right and not feel guilty about it.  i miss hanging out with friends.  i miss keeping up with friends.  i hope i still have them.  really i know they are there, i just am amazed at the fact.  how those few select people can manage to put up with me, i’ll never understand.  but then they are like me.  we like the same things, we have enough in common to appreciate that those commonalities will hold us together even if we don’t talk for months.

seth and i don’t have much in common outside of sex, and that was starting to fade even.  it was definately over.  we’ve just been dragging it out.  beating it to death trying to find a perfect relationship that will never exist.  there is definately someone better for him.  there has to be someone better for me too.  no use looking though.  someday my prince will come.  in the meantime i get to find myself again.  how long has it taken in the past?  its hard to remember.  seems like a month after joey.  and when josh disappeared to new mexico i finally  got to be happy with who i was.  but when he came back i found out how weak i was, how i still needed him.  argh.  school.  i’ll concentrate on school.  I’ll save up money.  i’ll work out.  i’ll throw myself into work.  i’ll be fine.  i’ll be just fine.  i won’t spend time sitting and feeling sorry for myself.  i’ll be fine.

i’ll be just fine.