babble

I worked out this morning. It totally kicked my ass, but I’m sure I needed that. I’ve been slacking. 3 weeks ago when all this shit went down I lost 8 pounds without even trying. It was mostly due to non-eating, and I expected to gain it back, but really only about half of it has come back. It I keep working out at least 2 times a week it will probably stay away. I’m really not that obsessed about my weight, I’m just looking for something to think/talk about other than my relationships.

John booked us to do this tasting dinner thing at the Range with his mom the day she flies in. It’s free, since its his goodbye gift from the Range people, so that’s good. I’m scared though. His mom is so sweet, it’s hard to think of talking to her without bursting into tears. I’m so scared that she’ll be mad at me for hurting her son, even though he keeps telling me she isn’t. I’m scared of disappointing her. Pretty ridiculous, since I don’t have any of the same fears with my own mom. I’m kinda mad he did it, just because now we have to go on this forced date thing. John and I have spent very little time together, and when we have been together its been at the house. He seems to feel better after our talk yesterday (whereas I still feel like putting on my running shoes and getting the hell out of here). He kept checking in on me last night to make sure that I hadn’t left. I wish I had. I can’t believe he booked a dinner for us. Ugh.

I’m going shopping today for Christmas (finally). I have no idea what I’ll get. I’ve cut our budget for it in half, cause money’s tight and I’m not feeling super Christmas-y. I’ll just start by buying gifts for Daffne and Mom, and then hopefully I’ll fall into a rhythm. Of course, I plan on heading down to Austin to shop. That puts me in Matthew territory. Not really sure how I’ll cope with that. I’ll let you know.

Ears still ringing. Anytime I think about John or Matthew, they just start ringing. I should be trying to do what my therapist said and stop stressing over the past and the future. Just live in the now and take notice of the now. Mmmmkay, I think I’m out of things to say. Have a good day. (totally rhymed)