12/16/2011

I put in for a vacation in January. I have no idea what I’m going to do with it, but I desperately need the time off. So I guess I can begin the countdown: less than one month until my vacation! I should probably call a spade a spade and call it a stay-cation. We have no money, I can’t go anywhere. 

Part of me hopes that by then my marriage will be over and I’ll be having a sex-a-thon with Matthew to celebrate. Somehow I know that’ll never happen. Maybe because I have too much control, or maybe because I’ll never go back to Matthew, too worried that reality won’t live up to our emotional/semi-physical affair. Or maybe my marriage won’t end.

Every time I start to think I might be able to stay with John something happens and I flip out and want to run away. That’s what happened today. I came home for lunch and he was hovering. So I told him to just talk (big fucking mistake) and he proceeds to remind me that everything is not his fault. That I’m totally fucked up for (almost) sleeping with Matthew. That I have issues and that, while he’s addicted to alcohol and drugs, I’m addicted to men. That throughout our relationship I’ve had unhealthy obsessions with guys, either ex’s or co-workers, or his hot friends, or Matthew. Fabulous. Let’s spend my 45 minute lunch break talking about how much I suck. I know I suck. Thank you.

Arrrrrgh. I hated the conversation. I hate that the fact that I’m attracted to Matthew (like I used to be to John) probably means I’m a co-dependent or some other twisted type of person who is attracted to alcoholics to compensate for their own inadequacies. I really don’t get it. My father was not an alcoholic or abusive. There’s no reason for me to be twisted. And am I really all that twisted? I know a *lot* of girls that have been attracted to both my husband and to Matthew. They’re handsome, charming, smart, funny, etc. Why the hell does being the girl that falls for them make me weak? 

The internet is a boon and a curse all in one. Too much information, too many opinions. But the gift of blogging is well worth it. And the searchable history of my love life is worth it too. In case I couldn’t remember, I could look through my blogs for a list of all the guys I’ve dated and catalog them under A. (for alcoholic of course) or C. (control freaks). Some would have to be cross-referenced. There are only two exceptions, but my attraction level to both of them was far less than to the others, even though one of them was the prettiest man I’ve ever laid eyes on. Damnit I could have made beautiful babies with him. Moving on.

John just kept harping on and on about how I must be comparing him or measuring him against Matthew. I am, but I’m not. Comparing them is scary as shit, because they’re nearly identical. Except I know most of John’s dirty secrets, and I know very little of Matthew’s dark past. Better the devil you know, right? Except I am sooooo noootttt attracted to my husband. He’s on my sexy radar somewhere near my brother, which is to say I’m not even remotely attracted to him; I actually push him away because it feels wrong. I haven’t been able to let John go down on me (outside of once when I was high out of my mind) in YEARS. I hate it, it’s gross having him down there. I get this horrible, non-sensical, completely anti-sexy thoughts when he does it. Yuck. The sexual tension with Matthew is amazing. As far as we have gone (which was really just that first night) was amazing. I want to lose myself in that. Maybe John’s right, maybe I’m am addicted to men. God I get horny just thinking about that night with Matthew.

It’s so freaking unhealthy. At best, a relationship with Matthew would be exactly like what I have/have had in the past with my husband. At worst, it could be a nightmare. He doesn’t have the benefit of an amazing mother like John does. He doesn’t really seem to have any family that he is close to or leans on. I don’t know if the concept of cutting back on his drinking and drug use has even crossed his mind. He is really fucking guarded, and he wasn’t remotely interested in having a hard conversation with me the last day I spent with him. He knew I was going to say something he didn’t like, or that I needed to say it, and so he just ignored the fact that I wanted to talk and watched tv. He obviously has a need for escape from scary harsh realities. It could be that I’m completely wrong about all of this. He was acting different that day, but it could be for any number of reasons: he could have been heartbroken and scared about the whole thing – him acting like a grown up would really mean pushing me back to my husband, and maybe he didn’t want to have to do that. Or maybe he feels like he should avoid influencing my decision. Ugh, I’m too twisted up in my own thoughts to write clearly.

I’m trying to find reasons to stay with my husband and push Matthew away because that would be easiest, because that’s what everyone wants from me and I’m a people pleaser. But honestly, I’m not sold. I changed my benefits at work so that I would have pre-paid legal next year. That should help with a divorce if we have one. I don’t know what direction I’m going, or if I ever get to go back to Matthew and feel as good as I did in the time I spent with him. I’m scared, I’m tired, and I’m upset. My ears will not stop freaking ringing. You know what I really want right now? A drink or 10. I want to drown this shit in alcohol and not feel anything. Jesus I’m messed up.

Goodnight.