0.1134

that’s right, my entry title is what you typed into your calculator when you were a clever fifth grader trying to pick up a cute date.

soooo….god I love the anonymity of my open diary. i can appreciate the value of something that would be completely impossible to find unless you were the most clever of internet stalkers, at which point, you’ve earned the rights to my juicy secrets – and you probably already know them anyway.

i’m writing to bring some clarity to my own confusion. I used to blog a lot, but as a professional adult, all that cussing and oversharing is generally frowned upon and can jeopardize one’s career, so I decided to take the more conservative approach of not putting all my deepest darkest thoughts on the internet for my friends and the rest of the world to read, and hence…not so much on the blogging action

so, as I was saying, writing helps me clear my head, and that would be why I am here. I think it makes me accountable to myself too (but maybe I’m giving myself too much credit). Alright so here’s the dirty truth:

i’m already tired of my marriage. 

that’s me overreacting a bit but you get the point. John and I have been together for almost five years. I love him, would never intentionally hurt him, and will never leave him. So…will someone please explain to me how I’m supposed to make it through the next 30+ years? 

I just…well obviously he and I suck at communication, and seem to have some serious needs that we aren’t meeting for each other. I have this book that I bought back in 2004 or so that explains how men’s brains work and want they need out of relationships (it’s a gold mine really, you should totally check it out…will put the details at the end of this post). 

I didn’t get past chapter one without finding big problem #1 – I don’t respect him anymore-or rather, I don’t show it very well if I do. I wonder if this is a common issue for couples that meet the way we did (John was my boss). Obviously, our relationship didn’t start out on equal footing. at the core of it all, I was smart and hot and overly truthful, and he was sexy, experienced, and always knew exactly what to do. 

so what happened?

uhhh…I finished school, got hired back into the restaurant industry as a manager, and am basically a smart, qualified, badass that is at the same level of career development that he is. so now-he’s not the one with the answers, and I *always* question his judgement. genius. can you see how this is maybe not working out so good for us? 

it was hard to see this problem until I became unemployed. we’re married, so he would let me pick up shift waiting tables or running caterings for his restaurant. then we discovered that we don’t work together well *AT ALL* anymore. My gold mine of a book tells me that’s because I don’t show him enough respect, and not only that, but I blaze the non-respectfulness in lights by doing it in his place of work in front of his colleagues and friends.

fucking brilliant.

so supposedly, the solution to this is for me to bite my tongue a lot and filter my thoughts through a respect meter.

fuck me. I don’t have *any* kind of filter in place. I tell everyone what I think…it’s just what I do. I really never wanted to change that, but it appears that my mouthiness is a force of destruction in my life. don’t get me wrong, I actually get a lot of respect for having the (imaginary) balls to tell my bosses exactly why their idiotic idea of the day won’t work. i do make these thoughts into well-reasoned arguments, just in case you were wondering, so it appears I have enough of a filter to hold on to my thoughts while developing my battle strategy. 

so now I have to re-work my filter.

I mean I guess I could choose to abandon my less-than-one-year of marriage. that appears to be the party line for a good portion of america.

just kidding, i’m not leaving. so…..i’ll be working on respecting my husband. ttyl.

 

**aforementioned book is called "For Women" by Shanti Feldhahn. You’re welcome.