After The End Of A World

Hi it’s me, back again, here to remind you that he’s not worth it. Hi it’s me, your best friend. Take his old tee shirt off and burn it. Repeat after me: I’m over it. Yeah, we’re so over, over. Repeat after me: I’m over it, yeah, we’re so over, over. Hi it’s me, back again, here to remind you that he’s not worth it. Hi it’s me, your best friend! Take his old tee shirt off and burn it.. –Ashnikko, “Hi It’s Me”

I finally cut things off with my boyfriend of two years. In a way, it’s devastating. I can’t imagine loving anyone else the way that I love him. I really don’t think I’ll ever find a love like that ever again. On the other hand, it really did have to come to an end. He thinks that I’m a monster, that I deserve to feel like shit and to go through horrible things. He always acted holier than thou, acted like he did absolutely nothing wrong and that I am the one who was always wrong. It was always like that. He was perfect, and I was “the bad one.” He often accused me of painting him black in my head, as seeing him as all bad, but this wasn’t true at all. That’s what he was doing to me. He could never admit to doing anything wrong, even if it was something really tiny. Getting an “I’m sorry” out of him was like pulling teeth. He was never there for me emotionally. In fact, if I would ever try to talk about how I was feeling, he would get pissed off and literally refused to be there for me. Sure, I wasn’t the calmest when I would talk about how awful I was feeling, but he could never look past my tone and just comfort me- and that’s all I wanted. Some comfort and some reassurance. I would literally say those words, literally tell him to his face what I was after, that I was only feeling hopeless and helpless and unloved and needed reassurance. He would literally REFUSE. He told me that if I told him in a calm and kind way, he would totally be there for me. But I’ve tried that! And he would never take me seriously. He would just brush me off. If he did try to be there for me, he was incredibly lackluster. No effort at all, just a couple of words. I am an emotional person. This is intolerable for me. Yes, maybe I’m clingy, and needy. But that’s just who I am. I was always apologizing and basically groveling at his feet, but he could never recognize his own shortcomings and sure as hell would never admit to them. While we were broken up last time, he ruined my whole online life, talking so much shit about me intentionally in a community that I had been in for five years. He told me it was because I was dragging his name through the mud and he had to correct the record, but I never tried to intentionally trash him like he did to me. I was just a girl venting to her friends about her frustrations and post break up sorrows. He wasn’t even active in that community anymore, or even that site much. He had to go OUT OF HIS WAY to ruin my reputation. I had to leave that community, even though it had been my place of comfort for so very long. It still upsets me, the things people there are saying about me now thanks to him. It’s so incredibly hurtful, and he wasn’t even sorry people took things he said out of context and it went way too far. It’s horrible, it’s horrible, and I hate it. Look, I’m no perfect angel. I’ve made tons of horrible mistakes at the beginning of the relationship, things that made a huge negative impact on him. I’ve shattered him too. The difference is I have apologized over and over and over and over again, I have been making such a huge effort to change as a person, to become a better person, to treat the people around me better. Even though it’s difficult, I try to admit to my faults and take accountability. I have to admit, this isn’t easy. My shame is strong, intense, and overwhelming. But I really do feel regret for my mistakes, and I really do want to become the person I am dying to be some day. I think I’m on the right track going towards that goal. My ex, though, would never acknowledge how far I’ve come. Every time I was going through something tough, he would basically say “What do you expect? That’s what you get.” No comfort, no love. I know I’ve been terrible, but I don’t know if I deserve to be condemned like that for the rest of my life, especially if I’ve been doing everything to make it up to him, to everyone around me. And now here I am, all alone, all my friends lost because of him wanting to have his revenge. I am not as upset as I could be, but I still feel stifled, like I’m drowning. I don’t like being completely alone. Because I was used to being a community where I really did have my place in, it’s so difficult to adjust to not having any friends or sense of community. I really don’t know where to go from here. I feel lost, and alone. Nothing can ever be the same again. I’m trying to be positive about this. The future is mine to make of it as I want, instead of waiting around for the alleged future that he had been promising me. Still, I am angry at him for making my friends think terrible things about him. I am lonely with no friends, and no love. I don’t know if there’s any way to fix how I feel about this. If I found a new community, I’m not convinced it could ever be the same feeling ever again. Things are different, forever. And I’m not sure what to do with myself. At least now, without him constantly clogging my mind, I’ve been more proactive in my real life. I’ve been working hard taking care of the house and making it so comfortable, I have been giving an excellent Christmas month to my eleven year old daughter. Things are going pretty good. For some reason, when I was with him, it was so difficult to take care of myself. I guess it’s because when I was with him, I had in my mind that this was not my forever home, here where I am living. I thought that some day I would fly away to go live with him, and this was only a temporary place. So I didn’t have as much motivation to do as well as I could in the house, at my job. But as soon as I broke it off with him, I’ve been in super mom cleaning mode. I’ve got my daughter’s room completely rearranged and redecorated and mine too, which I’m really happy about. I’m doing a better job at work, at taking care of myself and my daughter. We’re happier, without him. I’m functioning better as a mother and a person. But… I still can’t shake the feeling that he was my soulmate and I’ve lost him. Last year, I tattooed his name on my wrist. Now I look at that tattoo and I don’t necessarily regret it, he made a huge impact on my life and I wouldn’t be where I am now if I hadn’t met and experienced him, but it just makes me so sad. Thinking of what I lost. It wasn’t all bad. To be honest, before meeting him and being with him, I would wrack my brain for any happy memories from my life. And I could literally not come up with anything. I know, this sounds like I’m being dramatic. But I’m really not exaggerating. My childhood and teenage years were traumatic and harrowing, and then my twenties were an absolute nightmare. I’m thirty years old now, and turning thirty-one in February. And life is finally becoming better, little by little, slowly but surely. Time was not the answer I wanted, as I sobbed as a young person, wishing for some sort of miracle to pull me out of the terrible situations I was in- but time was what I got. “It gets better.” They say, right? Well, it does. But not when you want it to. It’s a long and tiring journey that leaves scars. Yet, it still happens. It does really get better, some day, with persistence. Still… The only thing I ever wanted, ever since childhood, was to find my one true love. All I wanted was love, that was my only goal, my only dream. Now I feel like… I had it, and I lost it. I have to let go of this dream. But without it, I really don’t know what to live for. I don’t know where to go from here. I guess I’m just taking it day by day, or maybe even hour by hour. Trying to learn how to enjoy my life all on my lonesome. It’s difficult for me. I always like having someone I can check in with throughout the day, someone I can confide in and someone I can hear about their day too. Yes, I’m a very dependent person, I know this. My life is in my own hands. I know this is supposed to be reassuring, but it’s not. My whole body tenses up at the thought, rejecting that notion so wholeheartedly. I hate that, I hate that. I want to put my life into someone else’s hands, to depend on someone and know someone is always there watching over me. Sometimes I think that what I’m craving is a love like God’s. I wish I could DM God. I’m not sure the love and relationship I’m looking for is something I can find on this Earth. To love like God- can you imagine? It’s mind boggling, and maybe impossible for anyone but Him. I want to keep my hopes up, think that maybe some day I will find my partner on Earth, my husband I am meant for. I truly, truly don’t believe this is going to happen. It sounds so impossible, feels that way. I had it, and lost it. It’s gone, never to return again. I know this might sound rude to people older than me, haha, but oh boy I feel so old already. It’s too late for me. A chubby, poor, single mom? There’s no way in hell I’ll find someone else who would really adore me and who would let me adore them. Anyway, I don’t know why I’m bothering to publish this diary. I feel like I really needed to get this all out or else I would explode. Go supernova. I want to scream. I want to get this out, and connect with people. I want to share my life, some way, somehow, even if it’s not in the way that I find ideal. I wish I had the confidence and independence of Ashnikko, haha. I wish I could be at ease with myself. Oh, man. This is a new chapter of my life, a new way of life. It’s going to be better, but I’m having such a tough time adjusting. I wish I had friends, at the very least. I’m screaming on the inside, help, help, help, is anyone there? Waiting for a response from the void. Can anyone hear me?